How To Mend Your Broken Heart And Get On With YOUR Life!

The first step is to accept the fact that a breakup is indeed a real loss -- whether you were involved for six weeks, six months, six years, or a lifetime. "Give yourself permission to go through all the stages of grief," says North Carolina therapist Alan Konell, MSW, author of Partnership Tools: Transforming the Way We Live Together. "Denial, hurt, anger, acceptance ... the challenge is to get through every one of those stages."

As depressed as you may be when your loved one walks out the door, says Konell, try to focus on the present. "Feel your feelings, but don't believe them," he advises. "Feeling bad is fine, but predicting the rest of your life when you're feeling this bad is not." In other words, despite how you feel and what you're saying to yourself -- and everyone else who will listen -- it's unlikely that you're never going to fall in love again and that you're destined to spend every Valentine's Day forever after by yourself.

"Falling in love is about you," says Konell. "It's not about the other person. You will still have the ability to fall in love. Nobody can take that away from you."

There are generally two responses to a broken heart, Konell says. The first is, "Oh, I'll never go through that again." The second is, "I survived that so I can relax ... I know I can survive it again."

"I suggest the second response," says Konell.

In a report to the American Psychological Association, Harvard University psychology professor Daniel M. Wegner, PhD, offered his own take on getting over the loss of a loved one. Don't try to stop thinking about the other person; contrary to popular thought, that will only keep the embers burning.

In studies of 70 young men and women, Wegner found that if you suppress those painful thoughts of your dear departed one, you'll keep yourself from getting used to the idea that he (or she) is really gone. Then each time the thought re-enters your mind, your body will react to the distress as if it were the first time -- with all the pain that came along with it that first time, too. So if you can't get your ex out of your mind, Wegner suggests, just give in to it.

That doesn't mean lying around all day with your tears dripping into a pint of Cherry Garcia. There are other things you can do too, say relationship experts.

L. Joan Allen, MA, co-author of Celebrating Single and Getting Love Right, suggests the following:

• Do something for someone else. Volunteer in a soup kitchen, a hospital, a nursing home, or for any other organization that you support. "Giving your time to help someone else helps take your mind off your troubles and makes you feel really good at the end of the day," says Allen.
• Pamper yourself with a massage, manicure, fresh flowers, or a weekend getaway to a place you've never explored. (This is not the time to trip down memory lane and stay in that charming B&B you and your ex-beloved once visited!)
• Adopt a pet. "Pets give you an unlimited amount of attention and love," says Allen. If you live in an apartment and can't own a pet, then pet sit for friends or volunteer at a local SPCA.
• Keep a journal and write down what you learned from the relationship, what your role in the breakup was (even if you're convinced you were blameless, chances are, you weren't -- at least not completely). Write down what you'll avoid in your next relationship. "This should give you a good idea of what your non-negotiables are," Allen says.
• Spend time with friends and family who will nurture you and keep you from feeling lonely.
• Learn something new. Take a class. Start a hobby.
• Think of this time as a new chapter in your life, says Allen. "Explore your passions and make a plan to accomplish a goal ... start a business, go back to school, write a book."