How Easy is it to Save a Marriage?

Running a relationship blog I often get sent books designed to help couples save their marriages. They're often written by therapists and it's hard to decipher the advice hidden behind the therapist jargon. When I was sent Lessons for a Happy Marriage, by Paul Friedman, I was intrigued because he is not a therapist. He was a divorce mediator who decided that the best way to help couples was to focus on trying to save their marriages rather than trying to make the divorce process easier. His simple approach lists 3 basic "Killers of Relationships" and offers action items to conquer these "killers" rather than requiring any psychoanalyzing.

I have to admit that what I like most about Paul's approach is that we have the same ideas about two big issues: 1) Divorce is never easy and 2) Most marriage counseling is misguided. With that in mind, rather than giving too much away about the book I'll give you my take on these two bigs issues. Paul's assessment is much more complete since he goes on to offer solutions to these problems, whereas I get to just observe and shake my head in wonder.

There is No Such Thing as a Smooth Divorce:

• "Smooth Divorce" is an Oxymoron- Remember those phrases from school that contain words that contradict each other, like "jumbo" shrimp or "simple" linear regression. That's what I always think of when I hear people say that they are hoping for a "smooth" divorce.

• Define "Smooth"- Usually, we give the term smooth a whole new definition when it comes to divorce. If divorce negotiations don't involve breaking glass and a gladiator style battle for the house, kids and everything in between we're often willing to say the divorce went "smoothly."

Marriage Counseling is Filled With Contradictions:

• Why Are so Many Marriage Counselors Divorced?- The only marriage counselor I ever knew personally was in the middle of her third divorce. Most of her counselor friends had also been divorced at least once. Now I know that schooling determines credentials for a therapist rather than their ability to have a successful marriage of their own, but if their methods really work why can't they help themselves? My son's orthodontist has credentials rooted in education, but I promise you that we wouldn't go to him if he had terribly crooked teeth.

• Marriage Counselor or Divorce Counselor?- I've known lots of women that have raved about how great their "marriage counselor" was when it came to helping them cope after their divorce. While I'm glad that they were helped, I can't help but wonder why the counselor couldn't have been as good at the marriage part as they were at the divorce part. If they only excel at the divorce portion shouldn't they just be called divorce counselors?

Making Up or Making it Worse?- I used to have a boss who was going through marriage counseling and we all knew to steer clear of her if she had been to a session that morning. One day she joined us for happy hour and confessed that she and her husband weren't speaking due to a therapy session where they needed to role play as their spouse so that they could show their spouse how annoying they found some of their behaviors to be. This is a great approach if you run a talk show that will get higher ratings if people start throwing chairs. However, I can't imagine a worse start to trying to repair a relationship that starting with a list of what you don't like about the other, let alone throwing salt on the wound by throwing in a reenactment of these things.