The Introspective Job Interview

The thought of being tethered to a chair for eight hours a day, with some pencil pushing micromanager on a power trip governing my every move is terrifying.  Of course, I have sustained jobs like this for most of my life.  I began to wonder, what if we were just honest from the beginning of the interview?

I remember the questions from my last interview, and I decided to transcribe it here using my alternate (TRUE) answers:  

Future Boss: Hello, Heather, it’s nice to meet you.  Have a seat.
Me:  Thank you, I will.
Future Boss:  How are you today?
Me:  Well, I’m nervous to be here and be scrutinized for my hard work over the past 10 years so that you can judge whether or not I am good enough to get up early, and walk into this hell hole every day for the minimal amount of money you are about to offer me.
Future Boss: That’s nice!  So tell me, why did you chose to apply at(Insert company name here)?
Me:  Because you placed an ad on Craiglist.org, I responded with a resume and you are one of the few who called me back.  Plus I just need an income.
Future Boss:  Well, I see you’ve done your homework.  That’s good.  What would you say that your best talents are?
Me: Well, I’m really creative.  I like to tell dirty jokes.  I’m pretty good at singing drunken  Karaoke, and I can French inhale!
Future Boss:  And so, what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: I hate being told how to do something simple.  I don’t like bosses at all, they tend to be patronizing.  I work well with customers, but I find yentas in the work place intolerable.  I am likely to be late everyday, because I stay up late writing several blogs.
Future Boss:  Where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me:  Am I applying for a job working a fucking psychic hotline?  I don’t know what I am going to do tomorrow, or moreover if I will live through today!  Therefore, I make it my intent to be flighty, hedonistic and purely spontaneous.  I find that this lack of goal orientation is immensely fulfilling, and the chance of disappointing myself is pretty close to none!
Future Boss:  What skills will you be bringing to our company that no one else can bring?
Me:  You are looking for a drone.  Anyone can be a drone.  You will tell me how to answer phones, which emails to send, which forms to fax.   On the occasion that you do ask me for a unique idea, you will take complete credit for it.  I don’t believe you are looking for unique.  You are looking for an efficient drone who will cosign your bull shit.  I can do that.  I will hate that, because I won’t be living up to my full potential.
Future Boss: What rate of pay are you looking for?
Me:  Why are you even asking me this?  You have a set starting rate for this position, that you will negotiate within a dollar. I would like to make millions a year, but it isn’t going to happen here, now is it?
Future Boss:  Well it was really great meeting with you today!
Me: Life changing, I’m sure.
Future Boss: I have a few more applicants to interview before I make a decision, but I will call you either way.  How soon can you start, and how can I reach you?
Me:  What are you?  Some kind of idiot?  I wrote ASAP on my application, I also gave you a resume with my phone number, my message number and my email address.  Make an executive decision.  If you want me, call me.
Future Boss:  Thanks again Heather, We’ll be in contact soon.
Me:  I’m on pins and needles. Pin Head. I’ll never get that twenty minutes back.
(END INTERVIEW)

As I recalled and amended this most recent job interview, I also recall my 30 day review, which happened to be 90 days late.  Below average, below average, below average.  All over the place.  The comments my boss made were misspelled and nearly illegible.  The one thing that stuck out in my mind was the extra large writing “HEATHER IS NOT WORKING UP TO HER POTENTIAL”

That’s what got my wheels spinning.  I’m not elitist, or angst-wridden as this writing suggest.  However, maybe the old boss is right this time.  I’m not working at my full potential.  So I vowed.  I will never EVER work for someone else again.  And I will never EVER be broke.  

I am an artist.  I have an artist mind, and an artist soul.  I don’t write because I have to, I write because I need to.  For my own sanity.  Sometimes in  a traditional work environment, I feel like I have adult ADD or something.  I have complete faith that I won’t be a starving artist.  I will find other gigs to pay the bills and write to satisfy my need to get what is inside of my head, onto paper.

Perhaps you feel the same way.  Here are some money making tips that will keep you from wasting away into a pile of nothing, having all of your utilities shut off and your children removed from your home.

Marry rich.  If you can’t do that and simply must marry for love, than you are like me.
Join Ehow.  Write articles.  As many as humanly possible!  Make these articles simple, useful and for the sake of integrity write them well.
Find what you are good at, and train someone else to be good at it too.  My mother forced me to parade myself around in beauty pageants.  I now coach a few little girls and their families on how to be poised, graceful and confident while performing in a pageant.  I charge below costs.  Normal  cost is $50-$100/hour.  I charge just $35.  This is fun for everyone and the kids really do learn.
Don’t be lazy.  There are a whole lot of old folks that simply need companionship.  They also need their house cleaned, errands taken care of etc.  Yes there are agencies that will pay you for these services.  The greater reward is the time spent with this overlooked population.  Old folks posses a plethora of knowledge.  Book knowledge aside, they are genuinely interesting!   Even in there senility, they can offer you more than you can ever give!

Bottom line:  The world has needs.  You can choose to help the world for five days a week.  IF YOU EXPAND YOUR THINKING AND ELIMINATE THE THOUGHT THAT 9-5 is the only way to go!  Don’t let some stranger tell you that you aren’t living up to your potential!  Set your own standards for that!  Give it three months, and tell me if you feel at all like a failure.