Learn how to stop being an enabler to your adult child

This article was inspired by dealing with an adult child who not only struggles with bipolar disorder but has addiction problems as well.  The tough love steps work for any type of enabling situation. 

When your child was just a toddler and learning how to walk, you held her hand to keep her safe.  As she became more steady on her feet you didn't need to hold her hand as much.  As your child grew and entered school you did your best teaching her values and helping her to find her way in the world.  As any parent knows, no parent is perfect and no child is perfect.  No child is the same.  Parents who have more than one child know this.  You can raise two children the same way and the effect might not always be the same. 

We have all heard the term "late bloomer".  Some kids grow up having a strong desire to "be" something when they grow up.  Nothing keeps them from their goal.  Then there are the kids that march to a beat of a different drummer.  Not that that is a bad thing, it can be good.  Then there is the child that for whatever reason seems to struggle.  I don't like to place blame such as using mental illness as a crutch for not becoming responsible.  There are many people in this world who overcome challenges.  Sometimes as a parent, we unwillingly find ourselves caught in an unhealthy pattern.  The pattern is called enabling.

Once you recognize your behavior what do you do next?  In my case, I had to make one of the toughest decisions of my life.  I knew I had to follow through and do it but that did not make it any easier.  I love my child.  I believe in her.  I also knew that I wasn't doing her any good. 

Having my husband to back me up and an inner strength that had seen me through tough times before, I did what I had to do.  The road was bumpy but I have to say it was worth the ride.  Here are my tips on how to break the pattern.

Step one:  Resist the urge to fix your adult child's problem.  It is not up to you to fix everything.  Sometimes you have to fall in order to learn how to get back up.  If you keep fixing things how are they ever going to go it alone? 

Step two: Allow the situation to get worse.  As hard as it might seem to do, you must.  You can push someone out of the way of a speeding train but you can't stop the train. 

Step three:  You adult child might regress to acting like a spoiled two-year old.  Demanding and abusive behavior should not be tolerated.  It is alright to hang the phone up if your child is being abusive.  You gave her a time-out when she was two because she didn't obey the rules.  You don't have to be subjected to her behavior now. 

Step four:  Try not to feel guilty about being firm.  Whatever you do, don't apologize.  Don't scream back just calmly inform your child you deserve to be spoken to respectfully and you will not accept any other kind of behavior.  Fighting the guilt that you feel is why some people have a lot of trouble with tough love.  It is called "tough" for a reason.

Step five:  Keep a journal.  Writing how you feel is so good to do.  It helps get out some of the pain and frustration that you can be feeling.  It is also a great way of tracking your progress with the situation.

Step six:  Call on your friends for support.  Once you get to talking about it you might find they went through a similar situation.  That's what friends are for!

Step seven:  Don't give up and don't give in.  Your child might act angry at you but trust me, they will get over it.  Remember why you are doing this.  It is to better them as a person and in return it will better your relationship with them.

This might take time.  Remember to praise yourself for standing firm.  Take it one day at a time and try not to get overwhelmed by the situation.  You love your child, remember that sometimes love is tough love.