How to make a success of a marriage when the partners have opposite temperaments

Two people come together in marriage and this brings a myriad of problems and multitude of difficulties soon after the initial period of novelty and charm fades.

‘In every marriage more than a week old, there are grounds for divorce. The trick is to find, and continue to find, grounds for marriage. ~Robert Anderson, Solitaire & Double Solitaire

This wise man may have intended this in jest or in truth but the fact that no marriage is a cakewalk remains indisputable. Wise men have flooded the world with their droplets of wisdom and we can seek the solution in many of their sayings. Take for example, George Levinger’s words

‘What counts in making a happy marriage is not so much how compatible you are, but how you deal with incompatibility.’

‘I do not know how our horoscopes ever tallied and how they matched us in marriage’-this statement is as common as the morning breakfast in our place [ours being a traditional arranged marriage]. So different are we in every aspect, diametrically opposite viewpoints, perspectives, perceptions, upbringing, habits, tastes, dislikes etc.

Being honest and straightforward with each other is the most important criteria in sustaining a marriage and from personal experience of staying together for thirty years I can easily say that this engenders the maximum trust within marriage and mutual understanding.

Given the assumption that two people are incompatible, how to make a success of this marriage between the two?

1, Awareness.

2. Analysis and tolerance.

3. Resolutions based on determination and Implementation of these resolutions.

4. Most important-Be fair to and absolutely honest with each other.

Awareness Five fingers of a palm are not alike. Siblings born of the same parents are not alike. Then how can we ever expect that our partner needs to share all our likes and dislikes despite having a different upbringing? There is likely to be some difference in upbringing and this has to be accepted There are likely to be differences in character, perceptions attitudes and actions. If many of them are fortunately similar, the matter becomes simpler. However, the few differences can also cause explosions .There is no point nurturing expectations based on one’s own thought processes and later being disappointed with marriage. One must always be aware that no one is perfect and never point fingers on the other because one finger gets automatically directed towards oneself in this process. Think only of the positive aspects of a person and do not make a mountain of a mole hill by harping on weaknesses.

Awareness must next lead to analysis and this must be objective. The fundamental principle for this is the policy of ‘each to one’s own’. When you know there are differences it would be better not to try to change another person’s point of view, especially in subjective issues. If the husband or wife has a pet hate, a point of view, he/she is entitled to it. It would be better if the other person gives this personal space and this promotes mutual respect and understanding. It would also improve the tolerance levels of a person. “And stand together, yet not too near together:
For the pillars of the temple stand apart,
And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow.”
Kahlil Gibran

Make determinations to see that there is harmony within the family and take resolutions never to rupture this. If there are kids, the decisions must be objective, for the good of the children, and there must be a common approach in this. Partners may be diametrically opposite but the upbringing of a child must be in union. There must be deliberate efforts to see things objectively for the sake of the children and one partner must give in to another person’s superior judgment, if the need arises and if it is based on purely objective principles.

Make up your minds to see that the marriage should be everlasting and work towards this. Nothing comes easily in life and hard work is needed. Sustained efforts are needed in this sphere too and when we take our partners too much for granted the trouble starts.

To summarize,

1. Be honest with each other

2 Learn to give personal space.

3Respect each other and accept the person for what he/she is.

4. Never treat a partner with contempt and do not harbor grudges.

5. Never barter physical togetherness with your partner for anything else

6. Try to be united and objective where children are concerned.

7. Look at anything from a macro point of sustaining the marriage and not be led by nitty-gritty and petty disappointments.

8Keep your expectations grounded and there would be no disappointments.

9 Try to meet half way.--.If possible learn to cultivate a new interest of your partner and it would be ideal if you are able to have some common ground.

“Chains do not hold a marriage together. It is threads, hundreds of tiny threads which sew people together through the years. That is what makes a marriage last --more than passion or even sex!” Simone Signoret:

It is difficult to display all these threads and come to a conclusion within a summary but remember that the sparks would always be there in a marriage where there are opposites. and that “Newlyweds become oldyweds, and oldyweds are the reasons that families work.” ~Author Unknown