How to Not Lose Your Mind While Waiting In Line at Wal-Mart

Instructions                                                                                                       Difficulty: Challenging
Things You'll Need:
the patience of a saint
the attitude of a martyr

Step1 Unless you are a Vampire and like to do your shopping at three in the morning, Wal-Mart is not the place to be on a Saturday afternoon. Its worse than the bank and the post office put together.

So, here you are waiting in line for what would be considered an eternity in some parts of the universe. You can finally make out the cashier's face and BAM, she flips on her "help me" light for a price check. So how do you not become totally enraged?
Step2 Do not go to Wal-Mart if you are in a hurry. Make sure you have plenty of time, because you are not going anywhere fast.

Here are few tips to keep your head from exploding, and telling that person behind you, who keeps bumping into your ankle, what you really think of her and the six kids in her shopping cart.
Step3 Eat.
You probably have food in your cart, or there is a candy rack just up ahead filled with Snickers bars, Frito's and Jerky. So go ahead and dig in. That's why it's there, set up looking like a smorgasbord. The good people at Wal-Mart know you are bound to get hungry while waiting in line.
Step4 Read the magazines.
These are the fun magazines, the ones you don't want to spend money on. You want to read about Octo-mom, Brad, Angie and Jen, and the latest gossip in Hollywood. While you're there, you can read the other rags about life in outer space, and why Obama is gay.
Step5 Talk.
Strike up a conversation with someone, tell them how much Facebook has taken over your life. You never go out with friends anymore because you are too busy typing to them. This should kill some time, or least they will think you are crazy and step a few feet further away from you.
Step6 Stand staring blankly into space.
It's very restful here in line. Look at that guy walking by with a ham the size of a small car.

Wait.
So now all you can do is wait and daydream and wait and daydream and wait. Or go to Target next time.

Tips & Warnings

• Shop at 3:00am on a Tuesday.
• Do not bring the kids.
• Be well rested.
• Be aware that someone in the Wal-Mart may be coming off their Prozac.