A Mother's Death - A Personal Account

August 20th, 2006, a day that will be forever etched into my mind. It all started a week earlier; my mother went into the hospital after having symptoms related to her congestive heart failure. She was originally diagnosed in 2003, after having breathing difficulties for years. The doctors never told me what her prognosis was, but in my heart I knew that it could be any day since the severity of her disease was monumental.

That morning I was sitting at the computer checking my email like I always did upon waking up. I had a cup of coffee and thoughts in my head of picking my mom up from the hospital since she was due to be released later that afternoon. Suddenly the phone rang and shattered my peaceful morning. It was the hospital calling, the nurse on the other end had such an urgency in her voice that it shook me to the core, before she even got to the point, I knew. They urged me to get to the hospital right away, my mother had a massive heart attack and they were at that moment trying to revive her. I don't remember hanging up, all I remember was calling for my husband, screaming that she had had a heart attack and then crying uncontrollably over the phone while I called my sister.

The hospital was only 10 minutes away and the drive over was eerily silent as thoughts raced through my head, and then spewed from my mouth, I asked my husband "what if this is it?" and he grabbed my hand and quietly whispered "I don't know." Which was true, we had no clue what would happen if we walked in and they told us that it was over, we had no idea what we would do and how we would tell our children that their Mom Mom had died.

Running through the hospital doors we made it to the cardiac floor and as we ran towards her room out she came on a gurney with doctors and nurses surrounding her and one on top of her giving her CPR. It was surreal, so very, very surreal, I felt like I was a part of a TV show and for a second thought that it really couldn't be happening.

They took us to a little room and all of sudden my sister and niece appeared, she had made her 25-minute drive in 15 minutes and was shaking uncontrollably out of stress and fear. We were told that she had had a massive heart attack and that they did bring her back but she was comatose and on a breathing machine but she was alive. They also explained that her heart, which was only beating at 10%, in the first place was now beating with the help of the machines.

We called our friends and family and prepared them for the worst never really understanding that it was inevitable. A part of us still had hope, we wrangled with her care since she would most likely be in an assisted living home, we came up with all kinds of scenarios, but deep down knowing we would be making funeral arrangements instead.

The nurse came in and told us that we could go in to see her, so I went first, my sister was so distraught she couldn't bring herself to go in. As I walked through the doors, all eyes were on me, sad glances from the hospital staff that no doubt knew what I would soon have to face. I made my way to the cubby where she was and again felt like I was in a movie; she was hooked up to machines with a breathing tube taped to her mouth. There were so many noises coming from those machines that it made me cringe. Her lifeless body only twitching from the force of the breathing tube pumping her full of air deceived me into thinking she was moving on her own accord. She was not. I leaned down close to her face and kissed her and told her how much I loved her and tried to rally her into staying alive, urging her to fight a fight I knew she had lost. But what else do you say to your mother, as she is lying there essentially dead? You become selfish and want them to live for you no matter what shape they are in; you don't want them to leave you.

I stayed in the room for what seemed like forever until I knew I had to get my sister to come in. As I approached the hallway I could see my sister nervously pacing when told her hat she needed to go in and talk to her, she needed to do this so she would never feel guilty if something should happen before she had a chance to say goodbye. She did go and it felt like seconds when she came running out screaming and crying that my mother had opened her eyes, she opened her eyes, but then the machines started sounding and she was rushed out of the room.

Back to that little room, that room where only bad conversations took place, back to the room where all hope is stomped on and so it was again. The nurse, who at this point was crying, told us that my mother had had several more heart attacks, each one worse than the last. She looked into our eyes was such sadness and told us that only the machines were now keeping her alive and then she said it, she told us that we had to make a decision to keep her on the machines or to turn them off. Without even speaking, my sister and I looked and each other and to my surprise my sister blurted out "let her go." We had talked about being in this situation and how neither one of us thought we could make that decision, but at that very moment it came so easily. The nurse told my sister that she believed that our mom was waiting for her to come in the room, which seemed true; she wanted to see both of her daughters before she let go.

I don't remember walking into the room, all I remember was my husband holding my moms hand, me holding the other and my sister standing next to me. The nurse explained what she was about to do but it just ran through my head, I couldn't stop looking at my mother, my beautiful mother, my best friend who loved us more than we could have ever imagined. Then the whirring of the machines stopped and all you could hear were sobs, I told her it was ok to go, my husband whispered in her ear as well that it was ok. She squeezed both of our hands and then she was gone, gone, my mother was gone...that day is now and always will be etched in my heart forever.