Die A Little Each Day Until You Learn To Draw Boundaries

My grown daughter is married to an alcoholic, so she is in Al Anon. Since joining, she has begun accusing me of being a "co-dependent". Anytime she doesn't agree with me, she says, "You just can't win with a co-dependent mother." I have no idea what she's talking about. My husband passed away five years ago, and he was not an alcoholic, so why is she calling me a co-dependent? I looked up the term and it means a spouse who is dependent upon alcoholic behavior of a spouse or parent.That's not me. I have asked her why she thinks I'm co-dependent, and she does the exasperated sighing as she walks away. Do you know? ~ "Confused Mom"

Dear "Mom,"

I can understand why you are confused. Years ago, the term codependent did apply to the spouse of an alcoholic. But, like all terms, it has been broadened, probably too far. These days it takes forms we don't quickly recognize. For example, it can be used for those times when we know in our hearts that something is wrong. We say 'yes' when we want to say 'no.' (You keep quiet when you want to tell your daughter to stop it.)

Your daughter is engaged in a behavior that perpetuates a destructive pattern in your relationship. Perhaps you’ve said something, but then drop it because your words seem to fall on deaf ears. You confront her disrespect, but then become discouraged when you meet with that exasperated sigh.

All of us have some situation in our lives we don’t like, but because of our codependency—our desire to please and keep the peace— we don’t say anything. Or, we don’t say enough. We settle for something we’d rather not settle for, but we do it anyway. We end up enabling and reinforcing the destructive process. Any time we “wink” at something destructive, we reinforce it.

Let me offer a few examples:

• Your daughter is consistently dishonest or disrespectful, but you’re tired of fighting about it, so you shut up and live with it.

• Your daughter has an annoying habit, but when confronted she denies or minimizes it (the exasperated sigh) and you decide to ignore it.

• Your daughter manipulates you into a corner, and you end up feeling angry. Then you feel guilty for feeling angry.

• Your daughter has an aggression problem. You’ve tried to convince her that she needs help, but she disregards your advice. You decide to tiptoe and hope the problem gets better. (It won't.)

Do you see the pattern? It is so easy to slip into settling for things being the way they are, especially since your daughter is in denial about the problem. To persist in naming a problem, and insisting on change is to invite more trouble. What do you do?

Most of us shift into an uneasy alliance—we decide to try to live with things the way they are, but inside we die a little more every day.

I'm encouraging you to find a wise friend that will help you learn to speak up. You're sounding too passive, "Mom". You need to be more assertive. Notice I did not say "aggressive". There's a difference. Assertive people make their feelings known in a firm, but respectful way. They draw boundaries. A good boundary for you is, "If you want to talk to me, or visit me, you will treat me with respect. Otherwise, stay away until you quit projecting your own co-dependence on me."

So, you ask, 'what is projecting?' Your daughter is learning, through Al Anon that she is a co-dependent. So, instead of dealing with HER problem, she is 'diagnosing' you as a co-dependent. It's easier for her to teach you than to teach herself. It's safer to try to control you than it is to control herself. You don't have to let that continue. You have the power to draw a boundary and then stick to it. A good assertive friend can help you with each step, and, if need be, she can intervene. You daughter needs to know there are boundaries in your relationship. It's important for her to learn she must handle her own baggage, and it's important for you not to die a little each day because you don't have the courage to command her respect.

I'm pulling for you, "Mom!" You can do it!

(c) 2009 April Lorier