Why Don't Abused Women Leave Abusive Relationships?

Outsiders may often wonder why abused women don't simply leave abusive relationships. It seems logical that a woman would leave if she's being abused. Each situation can be different and each reason a woman doesn't leave an abusive relationship can be different. There are many variables when abuse is involved. There are many reasons why a woman stays in the relationship, whether her decision is right or wrong.

An abusive man may go a long period of time and not be abusive. If the couple has children, the wife may have hopes that the abuse has stopped. She wants to do what she feels is best for everyone involved and keep the family intact. The man, more than likely, had a good side that drew the woman in during the dating stage. Abuse sometimes surfaces slowly - after the marriage vows have taken place. It may even be a couple of years or many years before the abuse starts. The potential for abuse may have been there all along, but surfaces when you least expect it.

An abusive atmosphere, for some women, may seem like familiar territory. If the woman saw her parents having an abusive relationship, she may feel that's the normal way and feels she should just ride it out. If she has been abused in her youth, she may not have any idea what a healthy relationship consists of. The abused woman is probably drawn to her husband because of familiarity, but not in a conscious way or not in a way she fully understands. Once they are in the line of attack by their abusive husband, they don't have the experience or knowledge to handle it any better than they did when they were a child - unless they have received some kind of help and support and understand the dynamics of what happened and how to heal.

Through the abuse, a woman usually loses her confidence. Often, she loses herself. The fear of providing for herself and her children and starting a new life can be very intense. Staying in an abusive relationship may seem more comfortable, at times, than leaving and entering the unknown. She may fear not being able to survive on just her income and that's if, she finds a job. She may have been abused to the point she has been convinced she is unworthy and incapable. Of course it isn't true that she is unworthy and incapable, but the emotions and logic are sometimes the worst of adversaries. If a woman doesn't believe in herself, she will feel paralyzed in starting a new life and getting away from the abuse.

Sometimes outside pressure from relatives or friends instills guilt in the abused woman. They may see a different side of her husband (because he hides the abuse from them) and feel she has no reason to leave and uproot the family structure. The abuser has already instilled enough guilt in her and added guilt, makes her feel much less capable of leaving. She feels guilty in making an attempt to do something better for her life. She is convinced that leaving the relationship is a selfish move.

Out of love and devotion, some women stay put. They hope that sticking by their husband will cause him to change. Sometimes this happens and sometimes it doesn't. She clings to the time her husband is loving and the abuse stops for a moment in time. A woman's nurturing nature wants to held mend what is broken. Her intentions are good, but the abuser has to recognize his problem and seek guidance in fixing the problem. She cannot fix him.

Women also stay in abusive relationships because of religious beliefs. They are committed to their beliefs. Leaving their husband and getting a divorce is out of the question for some.

Some abusers threaten. They may threaten suicide if their wife leaves. This is a serious and very intimidating threat to hang over someone else's head. The man may or may not be serious, but how does the woman know? To leave, may mean seeing his threat followed through. This is something no wife wants to live with, even though, it would not be her fault for a decision her husband makes. If the couple has children and the man follows through with his threat of suicide, the woman has to look into her children's eyes, every day of her life, feeling she is the reason they no longer have a father. The threat from the husband is horribly unfair. It presents so much confusion and possible dire consequences to the woman and their children.

Illness can make a woman stay in an abusive relationship. During the marriage she may have suffered an on-going illness or disability that prevents her from getting out on her own. If she is disabled and can't work and has no one to help out, it makes it very difficult to leave and provide for herself and her children. The choice in staying, in order to have a home and the bare essentials for herself and her children, sometimes overshadows the need for freedom.

Often the abuser has created such a distrust and fear that the woman may begin to fear everyone she is around. Who can she turn to? Who can she trust? - especially, if she's tried to open up to others and hasn't been believed. Even if she has been believed, she may be met with ridicule instead of support and understanding. People often respond with, "why don't you just leave"? Some people fail to truly listen to what the abused woman is experiencing. Often her words, direct or indirectly, are a cry for help when she has no idea "how" to leave. Her voice may muted by the abuse so much that she doesn't know how to ask for help. She may have no idea where to even start in getting out of the relationship - safely.

Outsiders often view the abused woman as weak and maybe even ignorant, for staying in an abusive relationship. Logically, it doesn't make sense to stay with anyone who is abusing you. But, until a person knows what goes on within the walls of home sweet home, we can't understand what a person is experiencing or their reasons for not leaving.

No one desires an abusive relationship. Most fall into one unknowingly. The couple of insulting jokes or the condescending attitude here and there could easily be tossed up to a bad day during the dating stage. Hindsight is 20/20 and most women would not have gotten into the relationship if they knew abuse would transpire.

Getting out in a safe and constructive manner can be difficult for some, unless they have support. That's the key - women who are being abused need support, understanding and guidance in order to find freedom safely and recover.