I don't like Telemarketers

One such series of calls I used to get typically involved me having been selected to receive one of three 'major prizes' in a grand drawing that will occur in the near future. Three 'Grand Finalist' Prizes were up for grabs, including one major prize that is dubious of nature...

I won! …Again!

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Example: "...Congratulations (insert MY name here, -incorrectly pronounced by someone whom sounds like a 7-eleven or "Quick-E-Mart" owner thank-you very much)! You have won one of these three major prizes! Either a (insert model year here, usually, current year) Cadillac Seville that seats your entire family including grandma and pet fido, an all-inclusive 7-day 6-night all-expenses paid vacation for two to your choice of either the Mexican Caribbean, Hawaii or Dominican Republic, or, a genuine 35MM camera! " And for all of this gratuitous windfall, -all I have to do (get ready for the other shoe to drop!), is lend my name and my likeness to their advertising of their exclusive herbal-balanced colloidal plant-extract vitamins AND, subscribe to their delivery of said vitamins to my home twice-monthly for just 12 easy monthly payments of just $49.95! (-Wonderful, wonderful!! Am I not lucky or WHAT?) [sic ]

Well, you just KNOW that that first off, the 'major prize' you have won is going to be the cheap simple-reflex all-plastic (probably disposal) 35MM camera. And for the privilege of having been selected (culled for shearing, as all good sheep like to be sheared once or twice yearly), your photo can be taken with said cheap camera (post it on your BLOG site!), showing your shock & amazement at your stupidity for having signed up for automatic credit-card debits of just under $600.00 worth of worthless generic vitamins that give you and upset stomach and turn your pee bright lemony-yellow.

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I have not ever been so duped, but I do love to 'play' these people... I tell them that my doctor recently diagnosed me with chronic vitamin deficiency and wants to begin taking vitamins and getting more sunshine. The person of the other end of the phone starts to get excited; -you can hear it in his/her voice. We bait each other on, little by little until I say that I'm ready to buy, and have my credit card right here and "...oh, -just a minute there's someone at the front door. Hold the call and let go get rid of them..." ...And I put on my jacket and go out for pizza and soft drinks, leaving them hanging on the phone, running up their phone bill and messing up their daily quota of suckers (oops, I meant CLIENTS).

Sure, -Waste MY Time. -I'll Hold, Sure!

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I did this once and came back 20 minute later (with take-out pizza, Coca-Cola and a rental DVD to reward myself for having not been duped) and the guy on the other end of the phone WAS STILL THERE, waiting for me!! Still there, -willing to talk!! Amazing! Too bad my attitude had not improved by that point, he still thought that I really wanted to 'take possession' of the "Genuine Japanese Motorcycle" that I had won (all I had to do was pay for shipping, handling and Import Duty, from Japan. -A mere $595.00 total!) This is about the cost of a 'Moped', -those motorized bicycles. But THIS 'Genuine Japanese Motorcycle' I had found out previously through the 45-minutes of interrogation of the telemarketer was only just one spark plug, 2-stroke engine (this means that you mix the gasoline with oil, so it technically is NOT a "motorcycle" but a "Moped", or "limited use vehicle". Think "chain saw engine" on a bike frame.)

I also found out that this 'Genuine Japanese Motorcycle" was only something like 48-CM tall at the seat! "One foot" is 30.48-CM so this is a 'child's motorcycle' most likely. What we would call a "mini-bike ."

Yours truly folks is a MONSTER of a man. At 6-feet 3-inches tall and over 260-lbs I could snatch that thing the way King Kong grabbed Faye Wray and run away with it tucked under my arm! I am just sick and tired of people like this hawking their clown ware upon hungry people just sitting down to the supper table. I wish that I had the gift of spontaneous gab and could 'put them on' more than I do. I absolutely love that video of the 'prank Homicide Investigator'. If I were the wordsmith that I wanted to be and an actor to boot, I'd be doing this:

Prank Homicide Investigator