Jealousy, the Real Problem

Have you ever just walked into a room, looked around, and hated everyone there?

Well that's what I do everyday. I can only describe it as a raging fire, coming from deep within. I can try to concentrate on not judging or being optimistic but usually I fail. Though when you get down to it, it's all about how I feel about myself.

Hating oneself is a very destructive trait. When I was about 13 I realized that people disliked me because of the way I look. I was over weight, I just transferred into a new school and didn't know anybody, and I had a yearning to please everyone I came in contact with. As I grew up and went to high school, I realized much didn't change. I started hanging with the "bad" kids, experimenting with drugs and alcohol. I learned through friends a way to deal with self hate and anger through cutting myself. I was finally diagnosed with depression my senior year when I started showing up to school in the morning drunk or high. I graduated school early, left without ever looking back and plunged into real life of work. I went through 3 jobs before I landed a well paying one with a satellite company. I was a Customer Service Representative, dealing with outraged customers on a daily bases over the phone. Soon the remarks and name calling affected me. I turned to alcohol once more. I was getting into the bars at the age of 18, no questions or carding. I was very reckless and endangered a lot of people when I wanted to go home drunk. Finally I had enough of life and tried to commit suicide on January 11 of 2007. I woke up in the hospital vowing to change my ways, but I was lying. Went back to work that June and met a guy over the Internet and moved to Florida to be with him. When I moved I stopped drinking and that may or may not of caused some more depression. The guy was a ladies man  and I had a hard time trusting him.

So today here I sit telling my story and boiling it all down:

I was treated poorly for the way I look, so I turned around and am doing the same thing to others.

I feel poorly about myself so I feel that I am not worthy so I hate anyone I think is.

Jealousy has nothing to do with the other person I envy, it has to do with me and how I feel about myself. It takes a lot of work and will power to accept that fact. I have been trying to deal and learn from myself and that's all you really can do. Learn about yourself, learn what triggers you, learn what upsets you and stop. Stop and analyze the situation you may find yourself in and see what you can learn and change about the way you feel. Remember, you don't hate them, there is something inside of you that you have to deal with and come to terms with.

Deidre Grotbo