Protecting Children from Sexual Abuse

There are many things that parents and other adults can do to protect children from sexual abuse. 

1. Know that most people who abuse children sexually are family members and friends of the family. These are people that parents know and trust. Detecting sexual abuse can be very difficult.

2. Supervise the children. Know where they are, who they are with, and when they will be home.

3. Supervise their internet use. Keep the computer they use in an area where parents are frequently. Many perpetrators make contact with children on the internet.

4. Get to know any adults who spend time with your children. Sometimes abusers are recreation leaders, teachers, and coaches. These are trusted people. If abuse does happen with trusted adults, you will want your children to tell you right away. Giving your children a good sex education will help them to tell you if anything sexual happens.

5. Teach your children about sexuality and sexual abuse. One child told a parent, "If I can talk to you about sex, I can talk to you about anything." Studies show that children who receive good sex education delay age of first intercourse an average of three years. Studies also show that children who have received a good sex education are most likely to tell their parents right away when someone tries to molest them.

6. If you are a survivor of child sexual abuse, talk to a professional about your own sexual abuse. If you don't, you may not be able to see tell-tale signs of sexual abuse in your own children. Or you may think behaviors that indicate child sexual abuse are normal.

7. Do all you can to keep channels of communication open with your children. They are much more likely to tell you about anything related to sexual abuse that happens to them if they trust you and can talk to you about anything.

8. Under react when children tell you someone is sexually abusing them. Save your strong reactions for later when the children are not present. Instead, express some sympathy and play "Colombo," meaning gently ask "Can you tell me more?" In other words, draw the children out, very gently.

9. Call the police or child protection if your child says she or he is being sexually abused. Do not try to stop someone from sexually abusing your child by yourself. Perpetrators often promise to stop, but most do not. They just get better at scaring the children into silence. If this happens, your children may become angrier at you than at perpetrators because of your failure to protection.

10. Trust that things will be all right. Some parents are afraid to call the police because they are afraid of public disgrace, of divorce, of split loyalties if the perpetrator is a family member such as an uncle or another child. Some parents report the abuse knowing they can lose everything. Sometimes parents do lose everything. They say, I would rather live on the streets that have someone sexually abuse my children. Parents such as these eventually regain everything and often find that they are happier than ever.

11. Be alert to direct and indirect signs of child sexual abuse. Children may make direct statements such as "So and so is touching me sexually." Often, however, the signs are indirect such as fear of the other person, reluctance to go near the other person, ambiguous statements such as "I don't like him" or "She touches me too much." When parents see such behaviors, it is important once again to play Colombo and gently ask for more. Say, "Can you tell me what you mean?" Or "What is happening that you feel that way?" Sometimes these are not signs of child sexual abuse, but something else is bothering the children. It is important to respond to children when they are hurting.

12. Be sensitive to changes in behavior. Sometimes the abuse is so upsetting to the children that their behaviors change. They become quiet and withdrawn. They might fight with their siblings or start doing poorly in school. Some may poop their pants or wet the bed, act more babyish. Any numbers of behaviors indicate that children are upset or even traumatized. Again, gently ask them if anything has happened that has upset them. Then notice where they have been and who they have been with lately. There may be other reasons for these changes in behavior. It is important that parents and adults be emotionally available not matter what the causes might be.

13. Be aware of family dynamics. If a child seems afraid of a sibling or any other family member, see if you can find out why. If a parent seems to play favorites with the children, talk to the parent about this. Observe whether there are other indications that there is something "off" in this person's relationship with the favored child.

There are many reasons why children don't tell.

1. Perpetrators may tell children untrue things to scare them into silence, such as the police will take me away, I will get in terrible trouble, you will go to the crazy house, I will kill your family if you tell.

2. Some children think if they tell about child sexual
-the abuse will get worse -the perpetrators will carry out their threats -their parents will not love them anymore
-they will be yelled at -they will be blamed
-their parents will not love them anymore -their parents will be upset and they don't want to upset their parents
-their parents might die of the shock

Child sexual abuse can be hard to detect. Keep channels of communication open. Supervise your children. Be alert to signs that children are afraid of some people. Notice signs that children are upset. These behaviors could mean sexual abuse, but they could also mean that something else is upsetting the children.

Sometimes parents do a wonderful job in all of these areas and children still are sexually abused. Sometimes parents do not do as well as others. Whatever the situation, don't dwell on what you should have done. Instead seek professional help for yourselves and your children and know that with good professional help your children can learn to deal with being sexually abused and go on to happy and productive lives.

This is a chapter from Shame, Blame, and Child Sexual Abuse.  You can read the whole book free at http://www.stores.lulu.com/jgilgun. You can also buy a hardcopy or a download on lulu or download it to your iphone from Kindle. Another book on child sexual abuse is a free download and that also is at the above address at lulu. t's free because it is not finished and needs editing.  

About the Author

Jane Gilgun, Ph.D., LICSW, is a professor, School of Social Work, University of Minnesota, Twin Cities, USA. She had done research on child sexual abuse for many years, specializing in interviewing child and adult survivors, perpetrators, and mothers of suvivors.