Children Think Child Sexual Abuse is Their Fault

 Children have a lot to say about their own sexual abuse. Their stories show that they are aware of the power that adults have over them, and they are afraid to resist. They are taught to obey adults or older people, especially people with authority, such as parents, grandparents, teachers, babysitters, and social service professionals. They dread consequences if they refuse to obey. Children often think that sexual abuse is their fault. They think they were supposed to have been able to stop the abuse. Unfortunately many people blame them, too.

            Children know little about specific sexual behaviors and may lack the vocabulary to talk about sexual abuse, but they understand taboos and shame associated with sexual abuse and sexuality. Many understand the consequences for themselves and for their families if they tell others that they have been sexually abused. In some cases, their fears are unfounded, but in many others, they have reason to be afraid.

Children Believe They Must Obey

            Children think they have to obey persons in authority. Randy, ten, was sexually abused by a teenage boy who was her babysitter. She thought she had to do what he said. He told her, "Go to the bathroom." She said, "I went to the bathroom." He jumped out from behind a shower curtain, pulled her off the toilet, placed her on the floor, and sexually abused her.

            Olivia, eleven, abused between the ages of five and eight by a man who was a father figure to her mother and a grandfather figure to her said, "I thought there were laws about adults and children."

            Lisa, nine, abused from the age of three to age nine, said of the abuser who was her grandfather

He was big. I was little. I had to do what he said.

Vickie, seven, refused to go home for supper when her brother and sister went to get her in the park. She told them, "I'm waiting for someone." She was waiting for the man who had sexually abused her twice. She said she waited "because he told me to. I listened. I was small."

Children Think Sexual Abuse is Their Fault

Many child survivors blame themselves for the abuse, even when they recognize that the perpetrators forced them. Lisa said

My grandfather forced me. He unzipped his pants. He put his hand on mine and put my hand on his penis. He held my hand there until he was done. I took my hand off when he let go of me.

The abuse took place on a boat. Lisa said, "I felt like jumping off the boat and swimming to shore, but I can't swim." Despite Lisa's recognition of being forced, she said, "It was my fault. I didn't tell him not to do it."

              Randy, the girl who was assaulted in the bathroom, said the abuse was "sort of" her fault "because I went into the bathroom and was sitting on the toilet." Randy could not put the pieces of her experience together. She went into the bathroom because the older boy who abused her told her to, but she could not see that the assault and the directive to go into the bathroom make the abuse his responsibility and not hers.

Donna, fifteen, assaulted by her brother, sexually abused by her grandfather, and the victim of an attempted rape by her best friend's father, thought she must be at fault. She said, "My judgment must be impaired." She was confused, hurt, and ashamed that she was abused by three different males.

Some Adults Blame Children

            Children blame themselves because so many adults blame them. For example, in the case of Donna, a county attorney who prosecuted the case against her best friend's father, said to her in her mother's presence, "Why didn't you get out of the car when that guy went after you? I think you really wanted it."

Carla ran away from home because she felt blamed for the incest her father committed. She said

My father was bitching. I asked my mother what he was bitching about. She said, 'He said it was all your fault. I'm breaking up the family.' I couldn't take it. I took off.

Carla was thirteen and lived on the streets for six months.

Not all children think sexual abuse is their fault, but it is a common reaction. Caring adults can gently ask the children, "Do you think you did something wrong?" or "Sometimes kids think the abuse is their fault. Do you?" It is surprising how eagerly some children answer questions like these. Their answers also can be surprising, such as Lisa's when she said it was her fault because she never told her grandfather not to do it.

            It is important for adults to give children opportunities to talk about whether they were at fault. It is also important for children to be able to express themselves in their own ways. Adults, maybe because of their own anxieties, want to reassure children by saying, "It's not your fault." Of course it is not children's fault. but if they believe it is, such a statement can invalidate their experience. The timing of "It's not your fault" can make a difference in children's recovery.

Children's Understandings

            Children do not understand sexual behaviors. Randy, who went into the bathroom after her babysitter told her to, described what the teenager did

He pulled me off the toilet seat, and he dripped something. I was on the ground of the bathroom, and he sort of did pushups on me.

Lisa, abused for six years, said, "Grandpa used to do it on the boat until stuff came out. He had sort of a grin on his face." Nan, eleven, said, "I never heard of any of the things he did like that." Olivia said

It's hard, what he did to me. I couldn't stand to do it to anybody. All the germs and stuff you get.

            Older children do not understand sexual behaviors, either. Emily, thirteen, said she thought her great uncle was trying to love her. When asked when she thought of that, she said, "It felt kind of weird. I didn't like him the way I liked boys."

            Carla, also thirteen, said about a conversation she had with a girlfriend

We were just talking one day. She was talking about her boyfriend. She thought she was big. She had sex with a seventeen year-old. I said to her, 'That's nothing. I go to bed with a thirty-four year-old.' She said, 'You do? Who is he?' I said, 'My father.' 'You don't do that,' she said.

Carla was ashamed. When her mother said her father blamed her, she had to get away from her family. She ran away. Carla believed her father when he told her this is what fathers and daughters do, but she also felt somehow this could not be right. When her girlfriend told her that her father is not supposed to do that, the girlfriend struck a chord. She knew immediately that the girlfriend was right.

            Ursula, fourteen, said

My father never explained sex to me. I had to learn by myself. I learned on the street. My father told me last year. Too late.

Ursula had been molested since she was seven and had become sexualized. Her father was worried because Ursula walked the streets at night looking for men to have sex with. He was a single parent. Her father had reason to be worried. The police found her body in an alley when she was sixteen years old. She had been raped and murdered.

Children's Understanding of Abuse

            Many children do not know what sexual abuse is. Katie, thirteen, said, "I didn't know grown-ups did it to kids." Olivia said about a fourteen year-old boy who molested her

My mother never told me about molestation. I was confused when he did it. He should have been more mature.

Even when parents warn their children about family members who sexually abuse children, they may not understand. Emily said about her great uncle who sexually abused her

My mother told me something about him. I didn't know what he did to me was the same thing.

Sometimes children learn about molestation by strangers but do not know that people they know abuse children sexually. Nan, eleven, was molested by her babysitter when she was eight. She had no idea that people she knew could sexually abuse her. She said

My mother never told me about this. She told me about strangers. She called it 'stranger danger.'

School programs that inform children about sexual abuse often are helpful, but not always. Vickie, ten, was molested by a stranger when she was six. She said about a police-sponsored prevention program featuring Office Friendly

Officer Friendly came too late. If he would've come sooner, this wouldn't have happened.

Vickie said that when the molester pressed his penis against her she went "blank." She continued

I didn't think of anything. I was wondering. just regular wondering what it meant. What he was doing and stuff. I wondered what was going to happen.

Older children may not understand child sexual abuse, either. Carla believed her father when he told her that what they are doing is what all fathers and daughters do. She said

I loved my father and I still do, but he still ruined my life. He should have told me what we were doing was wrong.

Education about sexuality sometimes is less complete than parents think it is. Donna said about being victimized by three different males

My mother always told me that sex with love was beautiful. I didn't love those men, so what I did was dirty and awful.

Sexual Sensations

Children may experience sexual sensations. Olivia said, "Sometimes it felt good, but that made me feel guilty. Sometimes it stung. Why is that?" Pat, a woman survivor, said about the sexual abuse her father perpetrated

When I was real, real young, he would put his penis between my legs. And I would come. I mean I would feel pleasure. I don't know it would be come back then. Do you know what I'm saying?

Some children take pleasure in the attention but the sexual contact is confusing and unwanted. Andy said of his uncle

I felt like he cared for me, and that was pleasurable to me. I don't think specifically the sexual act was that pleasurable for me because it was more uncomfortable. I was scared, but I know it was probably the first time I felt there was an adult who really cared for me, and that made me feel good. That was pleasurable. So it may be that I wanted to--maybe not sought out, but enjoyed the time with him, but not specifically the sexual acts, but just feeling cared for by an adult. I think I liked that.

He continued

I'd never thought my parents did [love me], and in some ways today, I still don't believe that my parents love me. He was the first person who like spent time with me and did things with me, made me feel like I was okay. That confuses things there and makes it worse, because I was scared and then I felt cared for and I was confused, and yet he made me feel better.

Andy summed up a lot about how children understand sexuality and sexual abuse. He said

I mean in society it's such a taboo thing. Sexuality as a whole when you're such a small child, you don't learn about that. You don't know about it. You just know that it's wrong because you don't pull down your pants for someone, because you don't expose your genitals. You know that that's all wrong just from growing up.

Some people think the children wanted the abuse if they seem to have experienced sexual sensations, or if there was orgasm and/or ejaculation involved. In actuality, human beings, including young children, respond to sexual stimulation, which is pleasurable to the body. Children may feel dirty and ashamed about any pleasure they feel. They do not want or understand the sexual acts, but their bodies may respond. Physical pleasure from sexual abuse is confusing to children.

Many adults are unprepared to deal with the reality that children may feel sexual pleasure while they are being sexually abused. This simply is too hard for many adults to handle, and so they avoid the topic. They do not follow up or inquire about any possible pleasure the children may want to discuss. Children thus are left without adult guidance and understanding, which is serious neglect of children's emotional and psychological well-being.

Vivid Descriptions

Children can provide vivid descriptions of what happens during abuse. These descriptions bring to life the power differences between adults and children. Each incident is unique. In their own words, children show how little and powerless they felt when in the presence of adults and older people who wanted to sexually abuse them. They felt compelled to obey and were fearful of consequences if they did not.

Randy, ten at the time of the abuse, said she could never forget what the teenage perpetrator looked like because

            I was scared. That guy was really tall. He was scary looking.

Hank assaulted Randy twice. She said

The first day he did the thing in the bathroom with me, and the second day he pulled down my pants and kissed me on the fanny. He's really sick.

She described how he got her into the bathroom.

He had this puppet. He had it say, 'Go into the bathroom.' So I did. I don't know how he got there before me.

Hank had hidden behind the shower curtain. When he stepped out from behind it, Randy said, "I almost had a heart attack. I was sitting on the toilet." Hank made no attempt to persuade Randy to cooperate. As he stepped from behind the shower curtain, he said, "Shhh. Don't say anything." Then, as described earlier, he sexually assaulted her. Randy said "he dripped something" out of his penis. She also said she only had her shirt on. Randy protested:

I asked him what he was doing. I said, 'Get out of here.' He said, 'Don't you dare scream.'

She had no idea what he was doing.  Randy told her mother right away. The mother phoned the police, and the boy was charged with sexual assault and court-ordered into adolescent sex offender treatment.

            Randy still saw Hank because he lived in the neighborhood. She described him in vivid detail. Her revulsion is evident.  

I mean, he's a super gross-out. He has long hair and sort of a beard, too, like an ape. He doesn't have any class or anything. He looks like he probably drools all the time. He's a gag. He's a gross barf-out.

Randy was unable to explain why she went into the bathroom when he told her to. When asked if she would have obeyed a six year-who told her to go into the bathroom, she said, "No," as if the answer were self-evident. Randy was in the gifted program at school, as was Olivia who was much clearer about why she obeyed the man who molested her.

Olivia is the child who thought there were laws about adults and children that children had to obey. She said that meant

Someone older than me I had to obey them.

She had several other reasons why she did not actively resist and tell her mother. Some of these reasons were mentioned earlier. The abuser told her that if she told anyone he would have to go to jail and that would make his wife unhappy. He asked her

You don't want to make my wife unhappy, do you?

Olivia gave other reasons that had to do with fear, self-sacrifice, and confusion.

I was scared. I didn't know what to do. He was doing this, and I didn't want him to do it. At that stage, I didn't say 'no' to people. I always knew there was somebody who was worse off than I was. He played on that.

He also told her

'Doing this make me feel good. You like to make people feel good, don't you?'

She did, of course, but not through being forced to touch genitals. Olivia had some fear about what he would do to her if she resisted, even though she believed he liked her. This is what she said.

He did like me. He was probably senile. I did what he wanted. I felt he would do something to me. I didn't know why. I didn't know what. I guess I didn't understand.

The sexual abuse consisted of masturbation and oral sex.

I used to rub his penis outside his pants. I did it right on his front porch. Sometimes he put his hands in my pants and rubbed me. He made me put his penis in my mouth. He did it a lot of times. I didn't like that.

Olivia thought her mother used to see her with the man on his front porch, "but my mother never said anything to me." She was too young and too naïve to know what their behaviors meant, except that she did not like them. For two and a half years, whenever this man called her over, she went. One day, she was playing with a girlfriend. When the man called her over, she and her girlfriend went. The man took the two girls into his living room. Olivia said

He had us sit down, and he put his hands in my pants. He said to my friend, 'Come on over. It feels nice.' My friend ran out the door.

She talked to her friend about the incident.

I said I was sorry. I knew what was going to happen, and it did. I was scared to say anything to her.

Her friend gave her an idea of what to do the next time he started it.

I cried and told him I didn't want to do it. He didn't do it again.

Soon afterward, she and her family moved from the neighborhood. She visited the man and his wife several ties with her mother. When the man died, she told her mother about the sexual abuse. She said

I figured that he had died. He couldn't go to jail if I told. I wouldn't make his wife unhappy if I told my mother.

Her mother was deeply shocked. This man had been a father figure to her for ten years. She arranged for professional help for Olivia, for herself, and for the rest of the family.

Physical Violence

Many incidents of sexual abuse do not involve physical violence, but some do. For example, some children witness physical abuse of their mothers. When their fathers begin to touch them sexually, they are afraid to resist. Alberta was eleven when he father first sexually abused her. He told her to take her clothes off. She said

I don't know why I just didn't leave. The idea didn't occur to me....My mother tried to stop him. She got between us. What could she do? He just pushed her away and beat her up.

Her father told her that what he was doing to her was "an everyday thing. People do it every day." He tried to have intercourse with her that first time. She said

I felt sick to my stomach. I didn't want him to do it. I wanted him to stop. I hated it.

She did not tell him to stop because

I would get hit with a belt. So I did what he said every time.

While he was abusing her,

My father told me I was jealous of my mother. He said I wanted to have sex with him the way my mother did, but I wasn't jealous of that. I didn't even think of it.

Adults can be helpful to children who have been sexually abused if they understand that each child's experience is unique. Adults must, however, be ready for anything. What children say can be surprising and even shocking. The stories in this book can prepare adults to be open and receptive to whatever children have to say.

Perpetrators Have Sole Responsibility

Perpetrators have sole responsibility for child sexual abuse. Typically, they are older, stronger, and can overcome the children's resistance through their physical strength, authority, and superior knowledge and experience. They may lie, intimidate, and manipulate children.

Some children have been sexualized by being sexually abused. They may attempt to touch the genitals of others or rub their own genitals against other people. Some and teens adults think these children want to be sexual and are happy to be sexual with the children. If children behave this way, it is the adult's-and teen's-job to teach the child appropriate sexual behaviors, not take advantage of children. Other children can be taught to back away from peers' sexualized behaviors.

Self-Blame Wide-Spread

Children are not alone in blaming themselves for child sexual abuse. Adult survivors of rape and women in physically violent and emotionally abusive relationship believe abuse is their fault, too. Men who experience their wives and partners as verbally, physically, and sexually abusive often think they did something to cause these behaviors. Individuals are not to blame for their own abuse. The only persons who are responsible are abusers.

Note

This is a chapter from Shame, Blame, and Child Sexual Abuse.  You can read the whole book free at http://www.stores.lulu.com/jgilgun. You can also buy a hardcopy or a download on lulu or download it to your iphone from Kindle. Another book on child sexual abuse is a free download and that also is at the above address at lulu. t's free because it is not finished and needs editing.  

About the Author

Jane Gilgun, Ph.D., LICSW, is a professor, School of Social Work, University of Minnesota, Twin Cities, USA. She had done research on child sexual abuse for many years, specializing in interviewing child and adult survivors, perpetrators, and mothers of suvivors.