Childbirth, Labor and Newborns, Oh My! (Stuff nobody will tell you)

If you’re having your first baby and approaching that ninth month chances are you have begun to panic about labor and how you will take care of your child.  I, myself, did not have many girlfriends that were parents and my older relatives had outdated information or couldn’t remember at all.  All the books in the world and every episode of “Baby Story” still didn’t prepare me.  There were questions I had that were so personal I felt I couldn’t even ask my doctor - like will those weird swelling stitched areas on my cha-cha go back to normal.  To top it off my attention changed from all the things you needed to know about pregnancy to “Oh my God, how am I gonna keep this kid alive for more than a week?”  I had no idea how much to feed them, what that strange rash was and should I run to the pediatrician immediately.  It’s the little things nobody tells you and no book covers that are the frightening flags raised in your brain.  So without further ado, here are some lessons I’ve learned that hopefully will be helpful. 

1. If you’ve chosen “natural” childbirth then good for you, granola girl!  You will also probably enjoy it when they wheel in that large room-sized mirror so that you can watch your child come out your cha-cha.  For the rest of us…Sorry, there’s just no easy way to put it – it will be the worst pain imaginable.  Oh, and that mirror will burn upon your brain a bloody frightening mess that you and your husband may never recover from – don’t do it!  If you’re worried about the epidural – don’t be – you’re already in the worst pain imaginable and won’t even feel the little pin prick in your back.  If you’re still squeamish about it though I highly recommend “Stadol”, a little relief shot they put in your I.V. bag that will make your life wonderful.  If I could have taken a six-pack of Stadol to go I would have.  That stuff will make you giggle your way through the majority of your pre-labor.  I was having so much fun I actually felt guilty my husband couldn’t have a shot and join me in my lovely little legal buzz.  Eventually after what seems like two weeks in labor eventually you will “hit the wall”.  When you feel like you just want to say, “Hell with it, just give me a “C” section and rip this kid out of me”, it’s now time to push.  Being it’s your first time you have no idea how to “push” and the nurses won’t tell you anything.  The muscles needed are the same ones used for a bowel movement.  Don’t use all your strength yelling and rushing all the blood into your face – it will make things more difficult.  Try and take a poop and all you will need are three good pushes and the baby will pop out like a champagne cork.  ‘Nuff said.

1. Yes, your sweet bippy will go back to its original form eventually.  If you felt down there and realized there’s a ton of swelling and stitching and it’s bumpier than a plowed field of rocks – don’t panic!  The hospital will give you these horrible paper towel underpants with instructions to put three witch hazel pads in there.  When you get out of the hospital buy, “Tucks” hemorrhoid pads, which are the same thing – round cloths soaked in witch hazel.  It will cool that fire down below and offer a slight bit of relief while reducing the swelling.  In case you didn’t know you will now bleed for approximately 6 weeks.  Can you believe that @$%&*?  But then the plus side is you probably won’t get your period back for 6 months.  Yeah!  An upside to all this.  The down side is that you will likely have some “relaxed” muscles down there and it’s a good practice to start wearing panty liners since every time you sneeze, cough or laugh you will pee a little.  The phrase, “Kegel Exercises” will now be part of your existence. 

1. Now a word about breast-feeding your new child.  After the long trip down the birth canal your baby will be exhausted.  The first 24 hours you will be amazed at how well they are sleeping.  You won’t even be able to wake them up for feedings.  Do yourself a favor and sleep because when that little bundle of joy wakes up they will be ravenously hungry.  There will be nothing but insatiable crying for food 10min. after you’ve just nursed them for a half hour.  Since your “milk” won’t actually come in for about 2 days all you can offer is what’s called “colostrum” which is a clear, snot-like substance high in protein that will have to do.  Unfortunately, after putting them 10min. on one boob and then 10min. on the other they will still want more and your nipples will be raw.  What the nurses don’t tell you is instead of putting yourself through hell for the next 2 days you can use what’s called, a “Hazel baker Finger Feeder”, which every hospital has.  You have to request it – they won’t give it to you unless you beg.  You fill this little tube with 2oz. of formula and attach the “angel hair spaghetti-like” tube to your finger with a little piece of tape.  As your child sucks on your finger they will get a bit of formula so they are still “practicing” breast-feeding and filling their tummies.  This will give your boobs a least an hour before they need to go back to work and they won’t get confused with a bottle.  After a few days of this your nipples will get hardened up, calloused and numb and you won’t mind so much – hang in there.  Your milk will be coming in by the time you leave the hospital and then you will be engorged.  Go out and buy a head of cabbage.  That’s right – cabbage – you heard me.  It’s the best and cheapest way to cool down those ta-ta’s and give you some relief.  The leaves are nice and chilled and cup shaped so just take a leaf and shove them into each side of your bra.  You might develop cravings for corned beef but that can’t be helped… sorry.

1. Vaseline is your new best friend.  It will solve every skin problem known to man.  After a few days of breast-feeding your newborn will get a pink rash on their chin.  Just slather it with Vaseline and it will go away in a day or so.  The newborn skin is very sensitive and is not used to wearing diapers and clothes.  So feel free to slather it all over their little butts every time you change their diaper – skin needs all the help it can get.  When in doubt, Vaseline everything - chapped cheeks, eczema, cradle cap – you name it, Vaseline cures it all.  Don’t be stingy - slather it everywhere and it’s much cheaper ($1) than diaper rash creams ($9). 

1. Last, but not least, let’s talk a bit about the bottom end of the baby.  Expect to be changing approximately 6-10 diapers per day.  With all this diaper changing going on you probably only have one or two changing pad covers on your changing station.  Go out to a baby store (Babies-R-Us has them) and buy these diaper pads that are about 12” x  12” – the size of a sheet of paper.  You can get three in a pack and you just lay them on top of the cover.  It will save a lot on your washing machine and your sanity.  If you have a boy, every time you open the diaper they just might start peeing everywhere – be prepared.  Slowly open the diaper and hold it as a shield in front of their watering hose so you don’t get squirted in the mouth.  Bad idea – doesn’t taste good.  The same thing goes for joyfully raising your child up in the air after they’ve been fed – “ spit up” or “puke” will go from your baby’s mouth into your own and that’s just not good either.  

Well, I hope all these little known tips helps everyone.  Hang in there – at the three-week mark they tend to start sleeping better.  Get yourself in a routine as quickly as possible and sleep whenever possible.  If you breast-feed you will lose a tremendous amount of weight pretty quickly.  Breast-feeding is the best diet on the planet!   You will look better than before you got pregnant.  Good luck.