How to Be a Pretend Movie/Television Critic...Like Me!

The first step in becoming a television critic is to think of a show that you are very familiar with, one where you've seen most of the episodes. My first effort at critiquing a television show was "Little Bear", which is a cartoon and I've seen EVERY episode hundreds of times. When you've watched a show that much you begin to wonder about things and being a critic comes naturally. For example, Father Bear is a fisherman, but when he comes home from a fishing trip on the ocean, he's wearing a three-piece suit and tie, and is carrying a brief case. Even when they go hiking, he wears a three-piece suit and tie. In one episode where he and Little Bear were out on the fishing boat, he slept in a sleeping bag in a three-piece suit and tie. Einstein is not writing Little Bear episodes. And Mother Bear bakes a cake or a pie every day and lets Little Bear eat as much as he wants. Tsk, tsk, tsk. When he sneaks snacks behind her back, she giggles to herself and pretends not to see him. I'm thinking at least a "time out" would be called for, but not for Little Bear. But there are so many questions I need to have answered. Like, who is the postman? And, how does Father Bear mail letters home when he's out on the ocean (they get mail from him every day)? And, where do they use the bathroom (this is particularly troubling because I just can't imagine Mother Bear pooping in the woods)? And, why do Mother and Father Bear wear clothes all the time, and Little Bear goes around naked? And, Mother Bear pays the bills, but what bills do they have? And if you've seen the episode called "Duck Soup", who's idea was it to let Duck swim around in the soup? Don't ducks poop in the water? I'm going to mail my thoughts on this show to the television network and hope that they will consider re-writing some of the old episodes. I am, therefore, a television/movie critic.

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For people to accept you as a television critic, you must start conversations with thought-provoking questions, like "How many real hospital administrators do you think would actually let Dr. House get away with all that nonsense?" Yes, he's brilliant, but he's arrogant, hateful, insensitive and a drug addict. And, how many times have you been in the hospital when the hospital administrator did clinic duty? Lisa Cuddy takes an active role in many cases on this show. Once again, I am a television/movie critic.

This is the scene I am referring to; if you have the movie, just keep an eye on her hair. I could critique movies all day because I am constantly finding things that aren't right. One example is in "Live Free or Die Hard", a scene in which Bruce Willis is getting his butt kicked by a Maggie Q. Her hair goes from being pulled back to hanging loose, then back to pulled back, all in a span of about five seconds. I wonder if they were trying to cut costs, or if the person who is supposed to check those things just wasn't paying attention. It is a great movie, but that scene just sticks out to me like a sore thumb.

Then there's the television show "Monk". Shoot, who am I kidding, that show's perfect...best one on television. I give it "two thumbs up". I am, therefore a television/movie critic.