How to Tell a Friend that they Smell

How to tell a friend that he stinks –

Recently a good friend of mine wrote on his public profile page that he – and quote, “loves Colby-Jack cheese.”  At this moment, a simple word-associated memory stimulated an unwanted sensory impulse that rushed through my body.  Olfactory nerve fibers retreated into my brain in reaction to pure fear and I could feel gastric juices inching their way up my esophagus in search of relief.  The effortless thought of my friend’s digestive system revived detrimental and disgusting memories of wretched stench that – unfortunately - seemed so real at that very moment.

How did I want to respond to my friend’s comment?

Possible response; “Attention colleague of mine… although your affiliation with the cheese seems gratifying and involves a mutual admiration - the cheese does NOT like you – nor the many innocent individuals that are victims to your intimate and gaseous relationship with the cheese... For the sake of many - forsake the cheese!”

Effective – perhaps; courteous and consistent with friendship maintenance – not quite!

This experience got me to thinking… How could someone tell a colleague that they stink in a respectful manner that wound not damage the essence of their friendship?

This collaboration of thoughts could be used in a variety of situations: the non-deodorant guy, the bad-perfume girl, the shower-once-a-week individual, the ate-a-skunk and don’t-brush-my-teeth person that speaks to you 2 inches away from your face, the overly-sweaty-gym person, the formidable-shoe dad, the grungy-wannabe-hippie hair dude, and last but not least, the I like Colby-Jack cheese guy!

What to do, oh what to do?

Suggestion number 1

Turn the situation back on to yourself.  My wife learned in her psychology classes that if you are offended, it is best to approach the effendi with “I” statements, examples of this to follow.  Note, foremost, that most normal individuals are very self-conscious and perhaps are not aware of their devastating effect on others.  You do not want to advance your opinions directly on a person because this can quickly cause offense and a defensive retaliation.  Using “I” statements to turn the direction of the conversation towards you will allow the effendi to feel less attacked. It also allows you to hypothetically share the problem and make a suggestion. Example;

You – “Hey Joe, I was hoping to talk to you quickly about something small that I cannot get off my mind.”

Friend – “Sure, I hope I can help”

You – “Joe, I am extremely sensitive and I have a hard concentrating when I sit next to you.  I enjoy associating and collaborating with you on all our projects, however, I am hyper-aware of bad odors.”

Friend – “Oh, yeah… I usually don’t … (shower, wear deodorant, fart a lot etc). “

*** At this moment, don’t let the person dive into excuses or explanations for too long.  You want the situation to turn back on yourself before the effendi starts to become embarrassed or offended themselves.  Cut them off if you have to with an “I” statement.

You – “Oh, really Joe its not you… it’s just that I have a hard time with it.  Perhaps I could show you this awesome deodorant that I found helps me with the same situation.”

*** Ah, you turned the situation back on yourself, shared the problem and made a suggestion!

I understand that this is a hypothetical situation, but you will be amazed at how well using “I” statements work. It completely takes the attention of the effendi and avoids any hard feelings.  Again, the effendi might not be aware of the situation and will most likely feel embarrassed more then angry.  So approach gently and kindly as a friend!

Suggestion number 2

The anonymous approach.  Not readily suggested for friends. This is as simple as sending the effendi a bouquet of flowers, with a pack of gum and a friendly note that clearly dictates the situation. You could also ask someone else, from another department, to make a comment to your friend during a casual conversation and then act completely outrage at the rudeness. Yet, once alone with your friend politely suggest that – just today – that person was somewhat on point.  Here is another opportunity to use “I” statement, share the problem and make a suggestion.

Suggestion number 3

Talk about someone else with the same problem not letting your friend know that you feel the same way about them.  Example,

You – “Hey Joe, did you see that guy just walk by… I could smell him from all the way over here and worse, just found out that he only showers once a week! OMG!”

Your friend at this point – hopefully - will slightly chuckle along but self-consciously think to himself, “Geez –lo-wheeze.  I only shower once a week.  I sure hope I don’t smell that bad. Maybe I should ask my friend or shower more often.”

If your friend does ask you, don’t lie but don’t attack!  No matter what, it is not as bad as the hypothetical guy that just walked by.  Once again, share the problem and make a suggestion.  With any luck your friend will make the correction himself!

Worst case scenario

Bring a can a Breeze with you and spray it in the direction of your friend every time an offense is made, wear a cloth-line pincher over your nose, ask a physician to remove your limbic portion of the brain responsible for sense of smell, or simple stop hanging out with the compost producer!

I hope these small suggestions help you and your smelly friend… As for me, I am off the send my “Joe” a bouquet of flowers, a note that will carefully dictate the situation and a cork with written instructions on how to place the item between his internal anal sphincter.

-Hookster