How to give condolenses

1. Don't pretend that everything is the same for the person.

Don't act like everything is just fine and ignore the person's loss. Some people who do not know what to say, don't say anything at all. While you do not need to dwell on the sad subject, it still is compassionate to tell the person when you see them that you are sorry for their loss and hope they are okay.

2. Don't tell them that you know how they feel if you do not.

Unless you've been through the heartache of losing a mother, father, child, sister etc. don't write or say you know what they are going through. Losing someone especially close (even if it happens to be a beloved pet) is truly painful, don't minimize their loss.

3. Be compassionate and don't make assumptions on how long the grieving process last.

If you do not know what to say, you can say very little and extend a hug. Be kind. The grieving time frame is different for every person. I have seen people in long, happy marriage who seem to grieve little, or others who had less than favorable relationships with their deceased and are genuinely heart sick. Make no assumptions on how they feel or how long they may feel that way.

4. Send a note. Be sincere.

A sympathy card or even a handwritten note goes a long way. Don't think it is ever too late. Loss is loss, a month or two later is better than not sending one at all. A simple handwritten note from you says so much more than Hallmark ever could.

Tips & Warnings

• A plant or flowers after the funeral for your friend is a nice touch. Something living after all the hoopla is a nice pick me up.
• If people ask for donation in lieu of flowers, it is nice to honor their wishes.
• It is never too late to show love and compassion. Don't be too prosaic or long winded in your message--- written or verbal. Saying "I am so sorry for your loss" and "I am thinking of you" goes a long way.