How to Care for Someone With a Life-Threatening Illness

1.  You can't keep bad news from a person.

Communication studies show that less than 30 percent of our feelings are conveyed by words.  More than 70 percent of our feelings are conveyed through gestures.

The so-called "conspiracy of silence" isn't silence at all.  It's a clear giveaway.  A good example is the physician who didn't want to reveal the terminal illness of the patient.  The patient knew that his suspicions were true because the physician could no longer make good eye contact.

Sometimes ill persons talk positively about their health condition when they are with family who are trying to hide the bad news.  When they are with people who are neutral, they freely express their feelings about their illness.

One patient said "Nobody will tell me what's wrong with me , but I know it's cancer. I am not feeling or looking better."

Once people tell a lie or act a lie around a person who has a life-threatening illness, they have to plan everything else around that lie.  It is a tightrope that few people can walk successfully.

2.  A young person, with a life-threatening illness needs independence and flexibility.

The move from adolescence to adulthood is in the direction of independence.  Hospitalization often puts a roadblock in the path of this movement.  The young person may rebel against being waited on or being restricted.  After leaving the hospital, he o she should do as many things independently as possible.  Include the person in organized activities and encourage him or her to join you in projects that were a part of the lifestyle prior to the illness.  Allow the person to make the decision whether an activity is too strenuous.

A teen-ager should be given the opportunity of having treatments in the evening so as not to curtail daytime activities either with friends or at school. A schedule that conforms more closely with life as it was before the disease appeared may feel more comfortable.

3.  Don’t force the person into the sick role.

This can make the individual sick and different.  Friends and family who are either overprotective or overindulgent can hinder a young person’s adaptation to the disease and inhibit the movement toward independence.

4.  It’s not what you say that counts but that you care enough to be with the person.

Healing the broken spirit doesn’t happen unless somebody is willing to enter the pain of the other person.  Henri J.M. Nouwen said you can’t expect to lead a man out of the desert if you have never been to the desert.  To rescue a child from a burning building, you must take the risk of being burned by the flames.

This is what some call the ministry of presence, but presence is not a ministry of healing unless you really want to be present with your sick friend.  Reluctant presence can be a source of pain.

5.  Don’t withdraw from a person when the condition worsens. Isolation intensifies pain.

I often hear the comment, “I want to remember her the way she was before she got sick.”  This does not justify staying away from a sick friend.

A friend of mine died of multiple sclerosis.  During the last three years of his life his two sons never entered his bedroom.  They wanted to remember their father “the way he was.”  The agony of rejection was more unbearable than the disease itself.

6.  Treat a seriously ill person the way you would treat any other living person.

That person wants to be part of the family plans.  That person is still happy to share interests and observations about life.

7.  Be honest about your own feelings.

As your friend or relative openly talks about the disease process that is threatening life, you may feel the tears coming.  Don’t squeeze them back.  Permit them to run down your cheeks.  If you have feelings of affection, put them into words.  If you appreciate the person, say so.  If you know you have unkind feelings inside, make an apology.

8.  When your ill friend or relative is depressed, don’t refuse that person the “temporary luxury” of self pity.

It may hurt you to hear the words of despair, but if you allow your friend. To talk it out, the depression will pass more quickly.  This is a time for touching.  This is the time when you forget the clock on the wall.

Your depressed friend or relative, who may have felt like a nobody would feel valuable, thanks to the “temporary luxury” of self pity.

9.  Life-threatening illness curtails a person’s activities.  Share new ideas.

A once physically active person who is struck by cancer may have to stop his outdoor recreation, but if someone would introduce a new activity, like crafts, music, or even writing and blogging, this can pave the way for even more creativity.

10.  Be available to your friend over the long haul.

Henri J. Nouwen, in a lecture, said that the most loving response is the one that says, “I don’t know what to do or say, but I will stay with you.”  The one who stays with us in our powerlessness and enters our brokenness is a real friend.

Remissions, setbacks, and periodic checkups can produce a lot of anxiety, brokenness and shattered hopes.  You friend or relative needs to have you there when the picture is dark.  And when you care, it makes it a lot easier for your friend that God cares, too.