The Vengeful Wardrobe Mistress

 The master bedroom closet in our new house is huge – bigger than the bedrooms in some of the places I have lived. I’m sure that there are many women who would scoff at my unsophisticated, provincial appreciation of my new closet, but I am of simple folk and easily impressed.

After a few months of living in my grand new home, I began to suspect that there was something odd about my luxuriously spacious new closet.

The brilliant novel by C.S. Lewis, The Lion, The Witch, and the Wardrobe featured a large wardrobe (we call them closets in Canada) with magical properties. This wardrobe, built from the wood of a tree whose seed came from the magical land of Narnia, had the ability to transport humans to and from its enchanted home world. My closet’s secret ability was nothing like that.

No, my closet seemed to be playing cruel, almost spiteful tricks on me. I would return from a shopping excursion and cheerfully hang up my purchases. Then a mysterious transformation took place behind the closet door. The next time I opened the door – my new outfits had shrunk!

This nasty bit of trickery happened time after time, both to my new purchases and old favorites. I started an involuntary hobby – a collection of brand new clothes that I have never worn.

I have now discovered the nature of the mischievous sprite who has been the cause of this naughty alchemy of the wardrobe. She is a spiteful creature who has made her home in the full length mirror that hangs in my lovely closet. Her appearance bears a curious resemblance to mine, except that she is older and (hmm) more rotund than I. My deduction is that she is envious of me – my youth and slenderness. Her despicable plot for revenge is to shrink all of my clothes so that I will experience her pain.

I must confess that I do feel for her – the graying hair, the puffy ankles and hands, and especially the steady weight gain. But now her trickery is escalating to stalking behavior. She follows me around the house, appearing in every mirror to mock me. She even transports herself to clothing stores – appearing in their mirrors and causing me to buy larger sizes to accommodate her ever increasing girth.

How will I rid myself of this unwelcome creature? I suspect that her presence is due to the cumulative effect of all the muffins, brownies, granola bars (I have a great recipe for homemade granola bars – totally irrelevant side track) and other assorted goodies that I have been consuming since the onset of Parkinson’s disease and the sedentary lifestyle that has become my lot in life. ‘Just stop eating so much!’ I keep hearing from my hubby and my doctors. Ah, but the comforting effect of warm tapioca pudding, and the pain numbing properties of ice cream!

I know, I know: I have the means to banish the vengeful apparition and replace her with the reflection that I used to see in mirrors. Can anyone out there relate to my tale of woe?