Taking care of yourself when your military spouse is deployed.

OK. There you are. Sitting at home, writing yet another letter to your spouse who is serving overseas in, as applied, a war zone. You're thinking of the items he'll be missing as you run them in list-form through your already heated brain; the socks he'd forgotten to take, favorite snacks he'd like to have and any other itmes you're determined to hunt down to make his life a bit easier. Then ... then it happens -  the dogs start howling, the baby has decided to eat a snail, the oldest has come to the conclusion that she actually does like the guy with the nipple ring and your son has just checked out a book titled, "Tat's R Us." That's when you begin to feel like one of those poor wolves out West. The one's who must gnaw away their own leg in order to flee from the horrors of the jaws that hold them. Too bad. You can't. You're stuck. But there is hope!

It's time to realize that, aside from the assumed nature of your almighty being, you are, in fact...human. It's Ok to lay down the law and let the "tats" and "nipple rings" fall where they may. The children will grow anyway, fits of discontent aside (and, believe me - never ending), and the baby will learn to eat real food in spite of the more exotic attempts (snails are nothing; mine ate a battery once). This too, shall pass.

A military spouse is never average. While you may go to work and the sitter's and out with friends for a meal or two, everflowing is the thought of your husband or wife in harms way. This is not an average state of stress. It's constant and complete. It's always the same every day. You must give yourself permission to let it go at the end of the day. This is for your sake as well as the sakes of your children, who depend upon your sanity (even a well faked one) and your deployed spouse, who needs to know that while they are away, you have things in hand and under control.

The first thing you must do to keep things below the boiling point, is to get and stay organized with your time. Make sure the kids are on the same schedule each day from sun up to sun down. Eat breakfast together if possible. And try to have your evening meal all together at a table where you can all be present at the same time to discuss each other's days as well as taking on any questions as to Mom or Dad being away. Dinner time is an excellent time to go over feelings with one another. After dinner, have everyone complete homework and clean up the house with you. You don't have to do everyting on your own. Children can certainly do age appropriate chores to lend a hand. Everyone can be involved and discussions can be had during these moments when everyone is together at the same time. Begin a ritual to make sure everyone goes in their rooms for bed at the same time to give you time to yourself to unwind from the day. Older children can stay up later, but should be asked to go to their rooms to watch TV, read or finish homework. This will not lead them to disastrous ends and no one will run and join the circus if asked to go to bed a litte early so you can have a moment to breathe.

Whenever you go to choose items for sending a box to your spouse, choose items for yourself. Yes! Yourself! Bath items, shampoo's, fluffy slippers, scented candles, romance novels and any sort of treat you'd prefer will do. It's your choice. Get a box and fill it with any and all of these items as you deem needed. Try to make these very special items, though. Find things that you normally wouldn't buy for yourself. This is a splurge moment so "Carpe' Cookie'em" and fill the box. This will be your "Pamper Box".

On those days when you think you cannot go on, take out the box and use it. If it means hiding treats from the kids and their grubby lil' paws, DO IT! The kids get their choices of cereals and pizza, the spouse will get his/her socks and Jerky and the dogs get their "Livva Snaps". The world will not melt in two if you splurge and eat an Oreo in the tub. if you didn't get a chance to hit those dishes and laundry...so what? They can wait another day. The dishes will not quake to the floor and the laundry, while it may crawl away on its own grimey germs, will still be gross in the morning. Not everything is a "must do". It's Ok to let things go for a bit. Not to the point of being on a TLC special, but just enough to give you some relief from that stress.

As a former active duty spouse to a now retired (and underfoot, Marine), I found it crucial to be able to give myself permission to relax and to put down the pressures we face each day during which can be a uniquely stressful time. Military families are special people and it's OK for you to realize that the sacrifices we make can sometimes get the better of us. So, while we can't avoid them, we can steer our way through them to the other side with undersanding of, not only the situation, but of ourselves, our limitations and our abilities as military spouses.