WHEN LOVE BECOMES A FATAL ATTRACTION

Are you in love with love? Do you just have to have that "high" that love gives you. But do you mistakenly think that it's that one person you are in love with and that one you can't live without? If so, then read on. Because there are solutions.

It's 3 a.m. and most people are sleeping.  Caroline, however, is in her car driving to her ex-boyfriend's house.  It's her third time this week.  "I just want to see if he's at home," she says. "I'll know because his car will be parked outside."

But seeing his car won't make Caroline feel any better because she'll do the same thing again tomorrow night and the night after that and most likely the night after that as well, for weeks or months to come.  The problem is, Caroline is a love addict.

Perhaps you have never done anything so extreme, but have you ever obsessed about a person or relationship that was over?  If so, you might be a love addict too.

Susan Peabody, a relationship counselor, describes addiction as "an unhealthy dependency on a person or relationship that begins with a mood-altering experience--i.e. one that makes you feel good or kills the pain.  Falling in love is usually the best example because the chemicals released into our bloodstream are mood-altering when we fall in love.  The trouble is, the love addict gets hooked on the experience."

And trouble for the addict can come in three forms:  addiction to romance, addiction to a person and addiction to a relationship.

Romance addiction is epitomized by the Casanova who loves the honeymoon phase and recreates it with a different partner each time.  This kind of romance always ends before it can advance to a deeper stage.  If a partner wants more than dating, the Casanova usually ends the romance.  He or she is hooked on the courtship, not the person or the relationship.

Person addiction, on the other hand, means being hooked on the individual and if this is you, you'll go to any lengths to draw the partner into your life.  The film Fatal Attraction and the real-life OJ Simpson case illustrate this point.  In real-life addictions there are often constant reconciliations and a great deal of passion.

The third addiction is where you're dependent on the relationship even if you're not actually in love with the person (a case of "I hate you, don't leave me") and this is often seen in abuse cases.

A person may also be addicted to a relationship if they're clinging to it and can't get out.  Being in love with someone who's married or emotionally distant or with a partner who is also addicted to love, sex, drugs or who is unable to commit, is symptomatic of addiction.  Additionally, if your partner is abusive or your needs are not being met, then you're definitely addicted.

But don't confuse addiction with healthy love.  Peabody says, "At the beginning of a relationship many of these signs are healthy but if you're constantly falling in love or can't let go or if you keep falling in love with the wrong person, then that's addiction.  It's usually very painful because you can't live with the person or the relationship, but neither can you live without them and there's a sense of confusion and powerlessness when you alternate between “I love you/I hate you” and “I can't be with you/I need to be with you".

So why is it that some people become love addicts and others don't?  There are usually several factors at play here.

The first is that we all have a primary motivation to fall in love and recreate the bond we had with our mothers (or primary caretakers).  The addict however has an excessive hunger for love through not having had a good relationship with her mother or through having being thrown into independence too early.

Low self-esteem also ranks highly as a cause of addiction.  Low self-esteem causes the love addict to pick unavailable or abusive partners because she feels she doesn't deserve better and has the idea that this partner is better than nothing.

Abandonment as a child is the third factor, which would make you highly susceptible now.  This coupled with rejection, loneliness or deprivation (a feeling that you'll lose whatever you have) will make you hang onto your partner for dear life.

In addition, if as a child you experienced, abuse, neglect, caustic criticism, perfectionist parents, peer rejection and sexual or emotional incest (where you were asked to take care of your parent's childlike emotional needs - "Will you be mommy's friend"), your tendencies towards love addiction will be strong.

"The trauma in your childhood changed you and made you more vulnerable to being an addict," says Susan Peabody, "You are wounded and may be depressed and lonely, or have fears and emptiness, and you're looking for something to fix it.  If you find love fixes it, you're predisposed to becoming a love addict."

Janey's problem was that she was always falling in love at first sight.  "I'd meet someone and be immediately attracted to him and think  “Is this it?  Is he the one?” After only a couple of dates I'd be planning our life together and telling my friends how wonderful he was.  Things always ended up with me obsessing about him and if he was out on his own I'd need to know where he'd been and who he'd been with.  I just can't seem to stop myself.  Once this happens, it's always the same.  The relationship ends and I'm left devastated."

In fact, Janey has many of the classic love addict's symptoms.  Love at first sight is one of them.  Because of the excessive hunger, you are ready for love.  Healthy people are interested in love but not looking for it round every corner and they don't start fantasizing right away.

"There is an attraction, or lust, at first sight, but not love.  It would help the addict if she didn't call it love at first sight because it would let her get out of it more easily," advises Peabody.  "There is no such thing as love at first sight.  Love comes with a relationship," she says.

Excessive fantasizing is common and the addict often gets high from the fantasies.  At the beginning, fantasizing is excessive, then later fantasies are used to stay in denial if the relationship is not working out and finally, at the end, the addict fantasizes about being reunited with the partner and recreating the relationship.

Addicts often become nervous when there's a break in their relationship routine and this can lead to distorted behavior.  Healthy people don't have these fears.  Abnormal jealousy and fanatical possessiveness are symptoms of the addiction, as is giving your partner the 3rd degree--"Where have you been"--as in Janey's case above.  Finally, the addict has such weak personality boundaries that she has no idea of where she ends and the other person begins.  She becomes enmeshed with her partner, such that all she cares about is what her partner cares about.

But if all this sounds hopeless, rest assured that there ARE measures love addicts can take to cure themselves.  If you think you might be a love addict, here are Susan Peabody's steps for recovery.

1.        Become aware of the problem--face the truth that you have a problem.

2.        Seek help through therapy or support groups.

3        Make a personal inventory of your love addiction

--write it down

--talk about your childhood

--identify your distorted thoughts and behavior (this might include things like “romantic love is great,” “life is not worth living without it.”  A healthy way to look at this would be to make it a "want", not a "need")

Once you know everything about your problem, you'll know what needs to be corrected and there are usually 2 elements that need to change--behavior and self-esteem.

With behavior you need to stop acting out.  For Caroline she would need to stop driving past her boyfriend's house every night.  Peabody advises doing this incrementally--don't make it all or nothing.  Instead, break it down into manageable pieces.

1.        Become aware of what you don't want to do ("I don't want to drive past my boyfriend's house at 3am to see if he's home")

2.        Announce it to your therapist or your best friend (“I'm going to stop it")

3.        You will do it again, but know that you're doing it.  This is a great leap forward--before, you thought it was normal!

4.        You'll be about to get in the car and will think about it, but will do it anyway.  This is another leap forward.

5.        Eventually you'll get to the point where you'll have a choice.  You are half way home now.  Then you'll decide not to do it.  This is the change, and it usually only comes after several months.  Eventually not driving by will become a way of life.

At the same time as you're doing this, you'll need to change inwardly.  Do this by increasing your self-esteem and changing your childhood trauma.  "If you want long-term recovery," advises Peabody, "you have to go through the process of looking at the pain of the past."  The steps to do this are as follows:

1.        Identify what happened (you were abandoned, abused etc).

2.        Talk about what happened.

3.        Write it down, this brings up the secrets.  If you don't remember it, it was unhappy and you've repressed it.

4.        Feel the feelings--anger, sadness, depression.  This is important but don't get stuck at this stage.

5.        Let go, if you're ready.  If you're not your body will tell you, "I'm still angry etc" but then one day you'll move on.

6.        Accept the fact that you can't fix your parents and that they're not going to change.

7.        Forgive.  This doesn't mean you have to like them or let them persecute you.

8.        Look at the bright side.  What have you gained?  Coping skills, a sense of compassion?  You have freed yourself from the effects of the past.

9.        Reparent your inner child.  You have a wounded inner child and to heal that you have to have an imaginary relationship with your child.  Give it what you didn't get as a child and what you're looking for in a partner, e.g. if you weren't talked to as a youngster, talk to your inner child.  Learn to play and have fun and relax.

"This is a very healing process because you stop looking for someone else to fix you," advises Peabody.  "When you start healing yourself and later meet someone else who can help you, you won't overburden that new person with this task."

And when that happens, your relationships will move from being addictive to being healthy.        1700 words