Do You Have Pets?

Somewhere, somehow, someone found out that I have cats.  Not that it’s some big secret, but it amazes me how companies that print magazines and catalogues for your pets, got hold of my address thinking that I may want to order a dog house in the shape of a log cabin, or a bottle of skunk odor eliminator, or an art deco designer flea collar for the cats.

These are cats.  The sleep twenty-two hours a day, eat one hour a day and the other hour, they disappear.  At first, I thought they were being beamed up into a spaceship, until my neighbor came by one day informing me that one of my cats was using his kid’s sandbox as a kitty litter.  My question is, since my cat doesn’t know how to use a pail and shovel, what else would she use a sandbox for?  My neighbor didn’t find this amusing.  I digress.

Getting back to the subject at hand, I can only figure that I may have used a major credit card when I purchased flea collars and that automatically inserted my name on mailing lists across the country, signaling these companies to mail out their latest editions of catalogues of quality discount pet items (half-off sale on all wee-wee pads), magazines (Cathouse – with a centerfold featuring a Siamese stretched out on an ottoman in a sultry pose) and newsletters (The Canine Courier – Headline: Doberman Dubbed Dupe In Domestic Dispute).

I must admit that some of the items for sale in the catalogues are pretty inventive.  One, in particular, should be developed on a grander scale.  It’s called the Easy Trainer.  It’s a handheld remote with two buttons on it.  When your pet has been good, or is behaving correctly, you press one button that produces a pleasant audible tone.  When your pet is misbehaving, you press the other button, which sends out a disturbing ultrasonic blast that only your pet and several opera singers can hear.

I would like to see this company improve the technology of this item to where it could be used elsewhere.  For instance: (1) You are walking into a department store, minding your own business, when an annoying commission sales person starts pestering you into buying something from them.  Simply bring out Easy Trainer, aim carefully and watch the fun as these parasites cup their hands over their ears, running away in caustic motion.

(2). You are driving down the interstate, when you notice that the car in front of you is in the passing lane going eleven miles per hour.  A quick push of the red ultrasonic blast button on your Easy Trainer and watch them quickly move to the slow lane as they try to keep their ears from bleeding.

(3). You are in the movie theater, trying to watch an intensely important moment in the storyline, when the couple behind you begin talking to each other about who they think the murderer is.  Whip out your Easy Trainer and watch them abandon the theater in excruciating pain.  More than likely, you’ll be able to watch the rest of the movie in peace, since Easy Trainer will probably cause the evacuation of the entire building.  You’ll have any seat you want and the popcorn left behind is yours for the taking.

Some of the items in these catalogues border on the ridiculous.  One company is selling rain slickers for little dogs; a bright yellow, heavyweight, waterproof, vinyl rain slicker, complete with a hood.  This is only good if you want your pooch to be confused with an extremely short school crossing guard.

Another item is a rawhide chew bone for dogs in the shape of a slipper.  If they really want to make this item appealing, perhaps they should make it in the shape of a mailman’s leg.

Oh well, I can’t wait to see what kind of catalogues I receive when they find out I’m thinking of purchasing a kangaroo.