Couples Now Staying Together For House, Cars; Kids Not So Much

By Mark Birnbaum

Offspring afterthought as bid for assets key consideration in "Sticking it Out"

Recent polls of Canadians in rocky marital arrangements are showing shocking revelations regarding the impetus for staying hitched:  little Billy and tiny Sally are becoming increasingly irrelevant in today's economic climate.

Beyond the obvious and exorbitant costs of divorce attorneys, marriage counselling and Valium prescriptions, many Canadian couples are opting to endure decades more of mental anguish for the sake of their RRSPs, surveys suggest.

Don't worry about the prenup, you're in this 'til the end, or until bankruptcy do you part.

Hal Johnson and Joanne Mcleod, after having gained infamy and notoriety for their awkward and intrusive "Body Break" commercials of the mid '90s, had 11 children in the span of 8.25 years, a feat formerly only presumed possible by the baby factories - or "mothers" - in orthodox Jewish families.

When interviewed by local reporters, it appeared that Joanne was neither keeping fit nor having fun, greeting her visitors with her new catchphrase, "Welcome to the hell that is my life."

"Hal and I don't even talk anymore, really," Joanne lamented as she drank her 3rd martini, flipping three of 78 pancakes and eight pounds of bacon, clearly no longer concerned with cooking healthy breakfasts .  "We pocketed a ton of coin going on tour around the country.  I drive a Benz and get weekly liposuction treatments. But shit, do I ever hate Hal."

In real life, they're both dying on the inside. But totally loving the 1.1% return on their 5-Year GICs.

Without showing any visible signs of irritation, Hal chimed in from next to her at the kitchen table, "You're no spring chicken, either, fatty.  If it wasn't for our cottage in the Kawarthas and my diamond-studded golf clubs you're always eyeing, I'd be out of here so god damned fast..." he trailed off as three of his seven boys simultaneously launched soccer balls at his groin from across the room.

The phenomenon, however, is not relegated to those of stardom.

Even run-of-the-mill, recently immigrated, welfare-collecting, society-draining families are giving their offspring the cold shoulder.

Olga Rubinsky, an 11 year-old Uzbeki immigrant was seen chasing her mother through a park, screaming, "Mommy, no, I love you!  Please, don't sell me!"

In short? Yes. Asshole.

The mother, Helena, wishing to remain anonymous despite her daughter revealing her identity, confided to reporters, "My husband Igor beat me and the child on daily basis.  But he give me beautiful pearl necklace and have decency to wear condom when he sleep with mistress, so I stay together."

The growing trend is having an unusual effect on the children, as some youngsters polled would prefer to see the parents divorced because they know from the movies and TV that guilty divorcees always shower their children with lavish gifts and cash dollars.

If divorces continue to drop at the current rate, sociologists estimate by 2025 Divorce Court will be off the air and subscriptions to AshleyMadison.com will grow tenfold.

You sleep on your pile of 100s, and I'll sleep on mine.