I Had a Weird Dream Last Night

..We regularly watch the Public Television program NOVA ScienceNOW. It’s a great program covering many scientific subjects and profiles, explaining the subject material in terms that the average viewership can easily grasp and get excited about. We love programming like this.

Addicted to PBS Television Programming

Last night we watched some program that dealt with auditory sound and hearing. One of the scenes that was shown several times was a close-angle view of an American alligator in the swamp, down close to his level. The point was the mating call of the male alligator is a low frequency rumbling growl that can be heard over great distances.

The Image of the Alligator Would Invade my Dreams…

I dreamt that my wife, child and I were on a flatboat in the Florida Everglades. The Florida Everglades is vast slowly-moving river of swampy water, grasses and weeds. It is lined with cypress trees, mosses, vines and it is filled with exotic and unusual wildlife. There are mosquitoes, turtles, waterbirds of every type, poisonous snakes, etc. And alligators. Big hungry alligators. Well, as often happens in my dreams, chaos occurred. Our flatboat either tipped over or sank. We were forced to wade towards the relative safety shore in the stank waist-deep predator-infested waters.

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A large alligator (the one from the NOVA ScienceNOW episode I think) came to investigate us. Armed with only a short but sharp stick about one-third of a meter long, I was ill-equipped to defend against this advancing reptile. Pushing his toothy snout away was proving fruitless. He continued to harass us. I opted to stab the pointy stick into his open mouth the next time he came close enough to do so. One of two things would happen; either the stick pierces the alligator’s tongue and he feels pain and leaves us alone, or he bites down and traps my arm. I would be eaten. This would at least buy some time for my wife and child to escape. I would sacrifice myself to the gator to save my wife and child. I was willing to do it.

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My Life Ends

Well, the alligator came close again and I stabbed his tongue with the wooden spear. He bit down and had me. Thrashing and rolling in his gripe, I died and was quickly consumed but had become an angel-spirit that in ethereal form hovered over the swamp. I was watching the life-play unfolding below. Somehow divinely detached it no longer mattered what happened. Resigned to Divine will, I felt nothing amiss. I could have stopped it. But it was not my battle anymore. I was just a passive observer and would have done nothing to change the outcome.

Final Deed

I had intended the sacrifice my body and life to give time for my wife and child to escape but instead, she came to my rescue and she next was taken by the gator. That hurt a little. I choked back a tear at her death. I wanted her to live. I needed her to raise our son. But now, my son was all alone. -What of his fate?

I briefly felt some solace that my wife and I would be together again so soon and that we could together watch our son grow up (assuming he escaped the danger of this day.) Maybe we could even guide him a little in life, even if from our spirit form. But alas, -he too was taken by the gator! Okay, -now I was pissed! My anger erupted, violently!

I Became Angry at the World

Having the unlimited ‘power of an angel’ that I did but still possessing the mind and platitudes of a human, my mind snapped in white-hot rage and with one wave of my arm, I obliterated alligators. Not just that one bastard gator. Not just the ones in that particular section of the swamp either. But all alligators, everywhere.

Here, there, wherever they lived. No place on the globe could ever be pointed to again and said “alligators live here.” They were all gone. Now, the past and the future held no presence of alligators (in case some other creature like tadpoles or leeches might in millions of years evolve into anything remotely gator-like.) They were now all gone, everywhere, forever and for all time. Alligator predecessors would not even exist in the fossil record. I threw away the blueprints for them as well. Creating them again would require a massive re-design. I felt some small satisfaction of my accomplishment.

I Was Watching You

Just then, God whom had been watching all along from further up in the heavens, called my name. “Joel! I need to see you RIGHT NOW! -Deskside, please!” Oh poo, -I’ve just been summoned to appear upon the glass carpet by God. -You all can pray for me now because I’m in trouble for sure.

Why?

God inquired why I destroyed one of his greatest creations, the American alligator. I started bawling that they just killed me and my family and my mouth would not stop bitching about the travesty of it all. God however, was not going to reverse my action. He could have, but said that he would not. He kept talking something about that movie of that boy and his Killer Whale, -”Free Willy?” Or maybe he said “free will” perhaps? I was not listening. He stated that he would have to punish me for what I had done. He decreed that I would return to mortal life again, but in the form of …an American alligator! I would be the only one in existence in all of creation. Alone. -Oh joy!

My mouth continued to spew vulgarities over the injustice of my demise so G-man Father further augmented the decree. -I would be the only American alligator in existence, sure. -I would be alone but He would also let mankind know of my singularly unique existence and my exact location. I understood their curiosity of ‘discovering’ this new never-before seen creature, -me. Visions of being captured and rectally-probed by hoards of Steve Irwin wannabe scientists filled my mind. Nations would fight over my ownership. Animals Rights groups would protest & petition for my release. They would eventually win and I’d be released, only to be re-captured by other scientific interests and rogue nations and the cycle would repeat itself. Endlessly.

I continued to complain and berate with pithy resolve. I bitched, I swore, I stomped my feet in tantrum rage. I made accusations.

God next added that on top of all of this, I would also have an incurable, untreatable painful skin condition. My skin would be as scaly and prickly on the inside as it would be on the outside. Still, my mouth spewed vile  indignation. I would just not shut up!

Retribution Time

God, now starting to grow angry at me, next decreed that I’d be the only American alligator in existence, have this horrid incurable itchy double-sided skin condition, live for a very, very long time, that nations would fight over me and the cycle of capture/release programs would be endless. I’d be the only member of my specie AND further, my anus would be relocated to the top-center of my back so that when I laid in the sun to get warm during the day my ass would get severely sunburned and chapped. Every time I defecated it would spew and splatter feces all over my back! Due to its location, I could not even be able to wipe myself clean against the ground.

My last words spoken were vile and venomous diatribes of my unfair treatment as He waved His hand dismissively at me and in a flash of holy white light, -sent me to my worldly fate…

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So, a word of warning people. Now and forever, don’t mess with the big gosh-darn American alligator.