Beating the Carnival (How to play and win, or Not Play and win big!)

So you've had a fun day at the Amusement Park, haven't you? You have survived horrible mutilation by ill maintained rides, you have consumed veritable trough fulls of mock food products which has been left out in the sun all day in non-osha compliant conditions and you are still feeling lucky, only one thing left to do to complete your fair going experience and that is the carnival stroll. Oh, the games of chance section. A doubly ironic name indeed for a rogues' gallery of booths because first of all they are not games (true games can be won by all parties who play) and that the assumptio there is chance, luck, fate involved (By the time you pay you have usually lost). But how do they do it? As usual, you cornfed bunch of wide eyed rubes I will tell you, in due time, so step right up ladies and gents and win yourself a stufffed bear full of truth and a few tips along the way, which just might make you a winner....

First of all, let me say that while not every game at every carnival is rigged, many of them are secretly complicated (The table of fair play is tilted). If there ever is a game that seems to make use of a prexisting tangible skill that may actually allow a skilled player to win, you can be sure that the equipment is all bent and secretly sabotaged so you can't get a clean shot. Darts? The darts themselves are dulled, and they always use under inflated balloons. Basketball? Bent rim, overinflated ball and painted plywood backboard to make it bounce like you are playing on Jupiter. Shooting games? Bent guns, this last trick is so prevalent there is actually a name for it "Fudding" named after the Warner Brothers character who kept accidentally shooting himself in the face with a shotgun. Billiards? The ultimate in dirty pool. Ummm, at least the balls are regulation grade...lets just say the rest of it, "just isn't on the level".

Of course, not all carnival games are based on skill, for younger children and invalids they have booths which generously offer a prize every time. They usually work on the small, medium or large series of price escalation where completing a simple random act, such as picking a duck will win either a small, medium or large prize. The reality of these games is that 98% of the ducks offer small prizes. 2% offer medium prizes and large prizes aren't to be found anywhere in existance, except when a fellow carny wins them to create public interest or "heat". It is not uncommon for carnival workers (or better yet their girlfriends) to walk around a park, carrying prizes so large l they can barely stand properly, bragging about how they won it at booth x or y, talking about what an easy game it was. When one considers that the average prize value of a small, or "slumprize" is roughly around $1 and it takes $5 to play, it is not hard to see why the "every shot is a winner" formula still pays the house every time. Even a legitimate Vegas casino would not get away with such foolery.

Many games offer tossing attractions. Because there are only two elements in a throwing game, ball and target, you can be sure that one of them is altered. For example in the case of the booth where tossing a softball into a milk can wins a large prize, the metal milk canisters themselves are so heavily doctored (built piecemeal from wood) that the softball itself will barely fit into them if dropped directly above from several feet. Only a crazy shot that skirts the lip a couple times before dropping will take the day. Another throwing game involves having the patron throw a ball into a tilted produce bucket without having it roll out. Does it sound easy? The unbathed soup kitchen escapee at the booth would certainly have you think so by the way he easily tosses the ball in, only to have it come to rest effortlessly in the basket. But little do you know, that when you, a rube, a mark, a fool by any other name recieves a ball from an attendant to throw, it will be of a heavier weight where it will likely bounce out of the basket. Some backspin can actually be used to win the game here, but it is expensive sport to practice. A final ball tossing game is a crooked carny classic, the milk bottle throw where three bottles are set up, two supporting the third and knocking all of them down wins the price. Not only are the bottles always weighted, but this is actually one of those games where the attendant lies to you when he offers you playing tips to play. He will tell you to strike at the center, at the intersection of all three bottles, but this throw, even if delivered with the accuracy and strength of a major league pitcher will always allow one to remain upright as the carny always puts one of the two base bottles further than other when he sets it up, making it impossible to deliver a throw which will knock all three of them down, with a direct shot. Now granted, this game can be beaten, usually more by luck than deliberate attempt, when a a ball strikes the space perfectly between the two lower bottes, removing the base, the third bottle falls purely by consequence without having been actually struck. Now again, even though I tell you this game can be beaten, it doesn't mean you should actually try it. As any winnable game, the prices are mediums at best (actual retail price $3,00 bought by the dumpsterfull) and a failed try pays too much for it anyway, even if you are lucky enough to hit it on your second $5 throw. There goes your kid's milk money-three bottles at a time.

Of course, not all tossing games involve balls. Coin tosses and ring tosses are always popular because they give the player a ring, a coin; a bonafide item to toss that is too small and tangible to be weighted funny and doesn't look suspicious, (like the generic filthy mystery balls in most carnival games which can be purchased in no actual sporting good store in the world). In the case of a ring or coin toss, the object that you throw, that you touch, is straight, but the target zones themselves area doctored diorama of defeat indeed.  If you simply insist paying $5 dollars to throw plastic rings at soda bottles until you are broke, only play this booth if the bottles are of the kind don't have a plastic lip around them; a little feature that obviously prevents the rings from connecting.  It also helps if you throw a handful of rings at a time, because upon landing they tend to collide; bounce laterally if you toss enough of them, and as any target tossing game always, try and bombard them from as high in the air, directly above as possible, using the hanging prizes themselves as strategic bumpers to get that perfect vertical fall onto a payout. As for the coin toss, it's a little more slick, no pun intended, patrons must throw coins onto a plate in order to win, but in reality, the plates are treated with a thin layer of ordinary cooking spray to make this impossible.  The one thing you have in your favor is that wetting the coins negates this effect, and may allow for a quick win, If it rains, they tend to close this game for just such a reason, because a wet plate in this game is an easy win.  Moreover, as with all throwing games backspin is usually helpful.

The Bulldozer game. A single attendant surrounded by glass boxes where a bulldozer (usually made from an old yellow Tonka toy) perpetually sweeps the coins into a hopper off a ledge where they are precariously perched, looking ready to fall, if only some lucky patron would drop a few tokens into his own into the slot...This game is surprisingly straightforward and by that I mean it's only 75% rigged. While the player will take any or all coins that fall off the front, the ones that fall off the rail to either the right or left disappear forever into the operator's pocket.  In addition, the ramp leading to the legitimate payout ramp is often uphill, this fact is often concealed by placing stacks of tokens onto the playing area of varying heights. Moreover, even when the coins are obviously placed two or three layers deep it actually attracts the casual observer, as potential proof of larger payouts, but in reality the tokens themselves are strategically packed with the same tight grouping as stuffed animals in a claw machine which prevents any of them from moving as much as they look like they can through the inch of bulletproof glass. How to play it? Hit the button, stopping the bulldozer at the furthest possible juncture (furthest from player) and then drop a few dollars worth of coins into it, (angling the chute down the center, of course). When released, the minor controlled avalanche should gain a few tokens. Move on to the next booth immediately, this trick works best on a machine with several coins hanging three fourths off the edge and it might take hours of careful and opportunistic watching and waiting on vacant machines, taking advantage of coinload payouts that are ready to easily drop to truly get any sort of payout that isn't pathetic. The one good thing about this carnival game is that the carnies themselves don't prattle and carry on urging you to play this particular attraction. The perpetual mechanisms of the bulldozers admittedly are so hypnontic, they draw a silent, but no less devout group of patron who willingly exchange their hard cold cash for worthless metal laundry tokens that fit in no machine as easily as they tend to slip into the operators master bucket from whence they came. This one isn't bad, but if you try to play really fast and loose, you will play really fast and lose.

Rope ladder. SImple, and you don't need the balance of a Ninja/Ballerina to do it. Grip the outside rails NEVER THE RUNGS and climb up lifting your right arm and left leg and then your right arm and your left leg, maintaining a rhythm.  A peculiar game because a child actually has an advantage (low frame weight) over a full grown/full strength adult.  Don't be surprised if after using this tip to beat it, scores of people watching how you do it, win something for themselves, at least until the carny closes the ride, stomps away in disgust and does something to ease his frustration; "find his center" like trying to peek into the women's porta johns or sniff the seats on the kiddie rides.

Finally, even though as promised, I showed you some ways to beat some of the more popular games, it is not my intent to make you patronize your local carnival, in order to win your meaningless concession. Granted, while a crummy, cross-eyed three foot pokemon goblin might be a timeless sentimental gift for young lovers to exchange, I think it would be just as fun to take your special lady around and show her how and why various carnival booths cannot be beaten, this will make you appear very intelligent, money savvy and streetwise, all good qualities that she will always remember you for long after a stuffed Spongebob (and likely the relationship itself) ends up in last month's trash like so much garbage. Parents can also use the carnival to teach their kids about how the world is inherently often an evil place, despite its often colorful, family friendly facades; taking the opportunity to teach your youngsters that you know everything at least another week of their young lives before they realize forever that you don't and they start to turn to the television for most of their guidance, ubringing and values. Teaching children early on, that the world is filled with mullet wearing, kiddie fiddling, dirty confidence men who would lean over to take their Father's money even as they secretly stare down thier Mother's shirt meanwhile urging "good luck" to Daddy as he plays a game that can't ordinarily be won, unless he cheats to break even in the first place, is a valuable lesson in life. Hell, it IS the lesson of life and unlike the carnival itself is an event that shouldn't be missed.

And finally, no talk of the carnival would be complete with a talk of the prizes themselves. Almost without exception, they are cheap, retarded looking, counterfeit knockoffs of popular licensed cartoon characters, made almost exclusively in Taiwan, stuffed with the lowest grade fiberfill and the tears of forced child laborers for a quarter an hour; dutifully hand sewn by young Phillipine children people who have never had a toy much less a childhood themselves. Though the amusement industry has no real winners, these tiny souls are perhaps the biggest losers of all of the cruel facade that is the carnival game.

-Sinferno