How to get through the first everything after divorce.

     There are many things that can assist you  with your new marital status. Not only will they help you in the next weeks, but they can be life changing for you and your loved ones.  The weeks ahead are busy times taking up more of your time to shop, decorate, plan visitations that you barely can think straight. This is just the time you look at things very different since it is now you as a single man or woman. Let us begin with you. I know,  you are saying that work has demands , the children are requiring much and the school is having a recital that you are needing to attend. This is precisely why I bring the fact of you, thinking of you, into front and center focus. If you do not take care of things before they get out of hand, guaranteed they will get out of control very easily. It is better to know things to do to prevent than it is to remedy after things need to be fixed.

     This is probably the most important thing you can know in the years to come. Neither of you are the full result of the divorce. You each were a part of that union that failed. One more than the other, I am sure, but none the less there is enough in each of you that broke the marriage, became distant, or shut down because of the others actions. Do you see what I mean about being a part of the reason the divorce is not all one's blame? Now you have taken personal responsibility for that, right? Now, know, in your "oneness", you can only move forward.

    To move forward will require you to bring some order into your daily thinking. If you do some self talking, you might discover you can bring yourself to call your distant spouse "former" rather than "Ex"or any other label you might have thought or already called him or her. This can be a real benefit for you and if you have children, it can help them too. As far as the children go, they still have parents. Those parents are not together, but they are still mommy and daddy. Do not talk badly about their father or mother to anyone, most of all to them.

    Any competition you and your former spouse had at one time can possibly be, not so important anymore. You are no longer relying on them for those spousal duties anymore. Leave the rival lingo and thoughts in the basket at the door, so your home can come into a new beginning. The more you allow the former spouse a place where they once were, the more they will take that spot again as if back to partnership as before. Set the parameters very early in the separateness of you both. Let the other person know it is not going to be "business as usual".  If help is needed it will be asked for and then the other determines if they will help in that area. Trying to treat the former spouse as a guest  or even a stranger might help to form this needed arena. Require the former to ask to stop by so unannounced visits will not be a concern.

   Avoid the places you used to go together. You will meet people that will either welcome you or shun you since they have "taken sides". Step out on your own to discover something that you have wanted to do for years and seemed to let it go to the back seat, forever. Bring it out of you so you will have something new, exciting and away from your former self.  Reread that last sentance,please. That was no typo. You are a new self.  

   Make sure you put yourself first at least some of the time. Always put yourself in a healthy way to start the day. Get plenty of rest so you can face all that will be coming whether it is good or trying. Keep busy with everything  you need to do and know the limits so you will not be over burdened and neglect yourself.,  Surround yourself with positive thinking and doing people. Seek these kinds of people for your new friends if there is room in your friends circle. Keep the talk about your former spouse for the counselor or prayer group or support people you meet with for those reasons. Stay out of the dating areas until you have done some back yard cleanup on your heart and the rest of you too. You are really in no shape to entertain another relationship for at least 1 year.

   Know you can survive this heart breaking event and do well during the holidays and the rest of your life too.