Are You In Love With A Narcissist?

Are you dating or in a relationship with someone who is mysterious but demands to know everything about you? Or perhaps they were extremely "charming" when you first met, but unexpectedly turned into the spawn of Satan after you got into the relationship? Do you constantly feel like you're second guessing your own instincts due to mixed signals and communication issues? These are unfortunately just a few of the problems you may experience when in a relationship with a Narcissist. In an attempt to determine if it's NPD lets take a look into it's characteristics and origin.

Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) Characteristics:

1) Has an exaggerated sense of self-importance or superiority, exaggerates acheivements and talents. Expects to be recognized as an authoritive figure despite being unworthy of this title. Over the top sense of grandosity. Ex: A person who truly believes they're the best thing since Peanut Butter & Jelly, but nothing to show for it. They believe they know all the right people in high places, have all the best connections, and think they're smarter than everyone else, and you're included.

 2) Is very pe-occupied with fantasies of Power, Beauty, Brillance, Success, and Ideal Love. Ex: They can't stay out of the mirror or stop bragging about themselves. These folk spend alot of time imagining who, what, and where they will be in the future without actually doing anything to make these dreams come true. They also fantasize about the ideal mate (soul mate). They'll constantly tell you how you dont do it for them and what you should be doing to make them happy. Possibly even compare you to an ex. Newsflash! They're fanatising about the next prospect, cause you're not the one.

3) Believes that he or she is "special" and only other "special" or "high status" people can understand them.  They can only asscociate themselves with the cream of the crop. Ex: This means you don't make the cut. This is probably why they think you never understand them. You're not on there level or just not smart enough. Ultimately, this is a form of emotional abuse. They can be very demeaning and condescending. Anything from name calling, ridiculing, or constantly belittling you in public or private.

4) Needs excessive admiration. Ex: You have to constantly recognize them as being the most beautiful, the best,  the most intelligent. They want to be envied, praised and compliemented all of the time. They love to remind you of how lucky you are to be in their presence but for some reason you don't feel lucky at all.

5) Sense of entitlement. Ex: Basically, they feel they're entitled to the best of everything regardless if they work for it or not. They are entitled to special treatment, priviledges and you should stop whatever you're doing to satisfy their needs. They want to be the first to get the best of all things and always have to be right. If you dont agree, or give them what they want, they may react with hurt or rage. Many Narcissist are physically abusive and all of them are emotionally abusive.

6) Selfishly takes advantage of others to fufill their own needs. Ex: They can be very charming and will use you to get what they want without caring about how you feel or the outcome. They burn a lot of bridges with ex's, family, friends, and employers. It gets to a place where nobody else wants to help them anymore, so you  become the next "Narcissistic Supply".  

7) Lack empathy. Ex: They don't recognize or sympathize with your feelings and needs. They "tune out" when you try to talk about your problems or feelings. Or they deflect your feelings by saying that "you're too sensitive" or "needy". Ultimately they don't care about how you feel and don't want to hear you "nag" or "b**th" about it.

8) Is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of them. Ex: Self explanatory right? You know the type.

9) Is arrogant, haughty, patronizing, or has a contempuous behavior or attitude. Ex: In a nut shell, talks to you with no respect and treats you like crap.

That's the basis of Narcissism. If you know anybody who posesses at least 3 of these symptons then it may be a mild case, 4 to 5 borderline looney, more than 5 full blown case of the crazies. How you are affected by one is based on the kind of relationship you have. Here are some examples to help you relate.

Work Place NPD

Studies show that many Entertainers and Figures of power have been known to be diganosed with Narcissism. There is a healthy amount of NPD that can make one successful in areas like Politics, Entertainment, and Corporate affairs. This person uses his/her intellect, charm, and arrogance to work their way up to the top with "no limits" to what they will do to achieve their goal. They're very successful in business, but in relationships they suck! The unhealthy dose of NPD ultimately leads to destruction sooner or later.

Family and Friends w/NPD

Well how can I say this without sounding harsh? Maybe you've always thought a relative or friend of yours was just "DIFFICULT". They simply get on your nerves but you love them anyway. They rarely have anything positive to say about you, but are constantly bragging about themselves. If you share an accomplishment or a future goal, they always find a way to out do you. It's like an ongoing competetion. The best thing to do is love them, but keep your distance. If its a parent or a sibling more than likely they've made you feel like you'll never be good enough or pressure you into following in their foot steps. If you don't, then you'll more than likely be cut off, not get invited to the big family barbeques, and be labeled as the "Black Sheep" of the family. They wouldn't risk inviting you, because basically you're a disappointment. There's nothing to brag about or receive any kudos in reference to you for raising such a wonderful kid. No self fulfillment for them. How sad. I know it sounds crass, but this is a reality for many of our Youth. This scenario causes them to have personality disorders when they become adults. When does the cycle end?

NPD in Relationships

Last but certainly not least is this area. I saved it for last because this condition causes emotional abuse and can end with stalking, major injuries, and sometimes death. The one thing to remember is that the Narcissist will make it hard for you to leave. Either with quilt or threats. They "WILL RETALIATE" with a vengance! Before the relationship is over you would have more than likely experienced several kinds of abuse. Any combination of these or perhaps in extreme cases, all; Emotional, verbal, mental, financial, infedelity, physical and/or sexual. You will feel like you don't trust your own instincts anymore. You'll question your self in every way imaginable. "Is it me?", "It's probably my fault", "Am I losing my mind?" "Maybe I deserve to be treated this way", "He/she is right, I'm nothing without them". ALL LIES!!! This self destructive thought process will eventually take its toll on you just as planned by your NPD attacker. The goal is ultimately to control you through fear and self doubt. It's an attack on your character. What the Narcissist does is zoom in on all your weaknesses and flaws. They are used against you as ammunition. The weaker you are, the stronger they feel.

Keep in mind that every weakness they know that they have, they will mirror it on you. In their eyes sub-conciously "YOU" become a reflection of them. Fact is, they hate themselves because they know they are losers. They're arrogant and have an ego the size of China but pride won't allow them to accept who they really are, so they take it out on you by deflecting an image of themselves on you. Sounds confusing? Let me simplify it. When you're arguing does it always end up being a competetion? Tit for Tat? Have you finally gotten to the place where everything you ever said he/she did that hurt you, he/she says you did to them, and in some cases it's true? This is called the place the blame game and you can never win. Once you reach this place its time to call it quits! You'll never out do him/her so why keep fighting? At some point, with all of the pain and dissappointment you've experienced, you'll began to lash out. You defend yourself. You fight back. Maybe you start to call him/her names too, hit back or initiate the first blow out of frustration. You feel betrayed so you cheat after you discover he/she has cheated, you find out he/ she is holding out on funds and saving money secretly so you do the same. When it's all said and done, you become a mirrored image out of frustration and pain. You are now the "Interverted Narcisisist", simply a reflection of him/her, the very person he/she despises the most in the world! Mission accomplished! Take heed that Narcissist are so self-centered that it's natural for them to be "sloppy" with their lies and deceit. They have no empathy or sympathy so whats the point of being descreet to avoid hurting you, when they could careless anyway? They tell lies and stories that would put the devil to shame! You'll come across numbers from other men/women, hotel receipts, emails, they'll tell you stories that don't add up and this list goes on.

How To Escape the abuse

The only escape is to diconnect all together in most cases. Many studies have shown that there is no cure or treatment for Narcissism. Even after you leave it won't be over until the Narcissist finds a new victim, the next "Narcisistic Supply". They will torment you, act vindictively, and slander your name with the next love interest or circle of friends they surround themselves with. His/her family will probably turn against you due to all the lies he/she will tell to gain their sympathy. Keep your guards up and your distanc!. No phone calls, definitely no sex, no favors or help of any kind. Change your number, move if you can. If children are involved, petition child support and keep contact at a bear minimum only as it pertains to the child. Do not allow any door to open because they're looking to get there foot in the door again. If violence is involved stay away at all cost. Relocate, seek help at a shelter and get a protection order for you and your children. The road to healing from this kind of relationship is long and trying. You will need a support system. Family, friends, perhaps professional counseling and more than anything prayer.

What Causes Narcissist behavior?

This condition can be caused by two reasons based on Phsycologist research. The first cause being the lack of phsycological development that begins in early childhood. Basically this person never grew up "mentally". The second cause also develops in early child hood as a defense against emotional and phsycological pain. A child that was in an abusive environment would more than likely develop personality traits associated with NPD. In both cases its said that all young children naturally go through a Narcissistic phase where they believe they are the center of their universe. This thought process naturally ends when the baby is forced to realize that they don't control their parents or caregivers, and that they are totally dependent on them. For example, when a child has a tantrum at some point they begin to realize that having a fit isn't going to get them what they want. A Narcissist never embraces this process, this is why their overall behavior appears to be childish. As an adult, they're full of fantasy. They make up their own little worlds in their heads. If you dont comply they act out by being deceitful, fighting, name calling, silent treatment or vindictiveness. It's their way of having a "tantrum" which ultimately is a sign of immaturity.

The Truth is...

Many of us don't realize that this personality disorder even exist! We simply walk around going "Dang what's wrong with this chic, or dude?" Have you ever met a person who is full of themselves, very demanding or needy, and thinks they're smarter than everybody else (mr./mrs. know it all)? After being around them you begin to realize  they don't know anything! Then you wonder why they expect so much when they have so little to offer. They leave you asking yourself, "Why does he think he's God's gift to the world when he/she has nothing to show for it?" I never knew NPD existed until I was in a serious relationship with a Narcissist. It lasted for 4 years and was filled with drama from beginning to end. We had more episodes then the daytime soap opera line up! I finally ended the relatiionship when I realized that I loved myself, more than the idea of loving him. I had to reclaim my life again. It wasn't easy but anything worth fighting for isn't. Hopefully in the near future I'll be writing a book that will give you all of the "juicy" details. (lol)...I truly hope this article helps somebody............Signing off "DR.KNOWLOVE"