How to Know if You are a Ghost

By Lucifera

They may think they are alive...

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I once thought I was dead, for everything I tried to do in life seemed to be strangely thwarted or ignored, as if even the On High had forgotten about me. It was a Dark Night of the Soul...Part of the problem was that a Magician was haunting me from the astral plane. I felt as if he was trying to drag me over the threshold to join him in the Land of Shades... All that aside -- nothing was happening in my life. No one called me any more. When I went out, say along Oxford Street, or in the tube, people walked right into me as if I wasn't there. The house was always gloomy, even for England. I decided I must find out -- was I alive, or not! If you have felt the same as I, and the memory of a recent tragic event eludes you, take my advice, bite the bullet and find out once and for all...

Instructions

Difficulty: Challenging Things You’ll Need:

• To be honest with yourself
• Friends who have been ignoring you
• A mirror
• A map of all the possible cemeteries you could be buried in
• Goth gear

Step 1
If they do this...
Ask your friends, if they even know you exist any more, "Hey, can you see me? Am I alive?" If they answer "Yes" and "Where have you been? I thought you were dead!" then all is well. If they are cruel enough to say "No", the fact that they answered at all is an indication that they must see and hear you, therefore you must be alive! Perhaps only the friendship is dead. If their eyes grow wide with fright, their hair stands on end, and they run away-- well, look for the tunnel of light.
Step 2
Are you really there?
Look in a mirror. The dead cast no reflection, they are right up there with Vampires in that respect. If you can see your face staring back from the glass, surely you must be in corporeal form. Some days you might look half dead, hung over perhaps, fed up with life, but if you see even a shadow of your former self, the outlook is positive. If the surface of the mirror shines back empty, I have bad news for you...
Step 3
Whooo is it?
Look for your grave. If you find yourself wandering in cemeteries, you may be subconsciously looking for your subterranean home . If you are alive, this process can take a long time and can even be a bit of a goose chase. But if you are dead, you will be led by your sixth sense to find your headstone right away...with your name on it and the date you were born and the date you up and died. RIP.
Step 4
Perhaps you are betwixt and between...
If you have tried everything and still feel that all is lost,are compelled to paint your walls black, and hang heavy drapes on the windows, affect a large eyed stare, and dress in Victorian mourning garb, perhaps you are still alive and merely going through a phase. You want more from life than it offers at present. You have come out as a Goth and your usual friends are merely shunning you. You have been lured into the astral plane by a Black Magician -- or the Faery Queen. I suggest forming a band and doing some gigs. Being in the public eye will reassure you that you are in the world of the living and, as a musician, you can pretend to be dead without anyone thinking your are mad.

Tips & Warnings

• Being dead is disappointing, but if you are in a position to decide what kind of afterlife you want, it might be more fun than the old 9-5.
• You will have a lot of company once you accept where you are. Its like moving into a new neighborhood. You have get used to it.
• If you are still alive, get out of the house, forget about yourself. Stop being so morbid.
• If you are indeed dead, don't scare people by haunting them and throwing things about and moving the orange juice or hiding the keys. This will only annoy the living who can't see you and might hire a ghost buster or start ringing loud bells intoning Tibetan chants and generally trying to drive you away with mumbo jumbo. If you are sensitive to rejection this can very hurtful. Better to heave a deep rattling sigh and find the astral door.