Life With Depression - The Beginning

The Beginning

Some say that I have had it really hard in my past, that the things I went through, I shouldn’t be able to function as well as I do now. I don’t know how I did it but I managed to pull through. I have always given the argument that I had it no harder than anyone else; I have just had different experiences than others. How do you judge who has had it harder than another? The individual is the one experiencing it and for some, those things could be considered hard, but to others easier and vice versa on other problems. What makes things difficult is how we choose to deal with those situations, and what we choose to do about it. Some situations could have been avoided, or stopped from progressing if we simply made the harder of two choices and followed through with it.

No matter what, we always have a choice, we may not like the choice or choices, we are confronted with, but there is still a choice. Many people take the easier choice, because, as the choice is, it is easier to make and follow through with, but it is not always the right choice, and sometimes, especially in the long run, can cause more problems than if we had made the harder, but right choice. I am not saying, by any means, that I always make the harder and/or right choice; I am simply acknowledging that it is there. If we always made the right choice, however, we would never make mistakes. Making mistakes helps to shape us into who we are and allows us to learn through those mistakes, even if it takes us a while to realize what that mistake has taught us.

If we didn’t make mistakes, we wouldn’t be human. On the same note, just because we make mistakes doesn’t mean there is something wrong with us. Use the mistakes you make throughout life to learn something from it. What has your mistake taught you, or what can you learn from your mistakes. How can you apply what you have learned to your life now and to make sure you don’t make the same mistake twice. Don’t be discouraged if you make the same mistake multiple times, sometimes, in order to fully learn from a mistake, we need to make that mistake several times. Just remember to keep what you’ve learned in mind in case you start to make that mistake again, something may be different from last time.

I know that, throughout my life, I have made many mistakes, but I also know that many of those mistakes have shaped me into the person I am today, and I wouldn’t change that for the world. Some things I had control over and some I didn’t, but regardless, there was always something for me to learn. Many times I didn’t recognize what I had learned from the mistake until years later, and that makes no difference, the important part is that I did learn from those mistakes.

I don’t think that I could say I regret anything 100%, as it would mean I would be a different person today, however there are some things that I wish I had never experienced or things I wish I never went through. On the same note, I am a much better person today for having went through and experienced everything I did, and for that I am grateful. Remember who you are, and remember the things that helped to make you into the person you are today. Don’t be ashamed of yourself because you didn’t turn out the same as others, we are all unique in our own ways, and if you don’t see it in yourself now, search deeper and it will be there. Let yourself shine and remember that you are important, don’t let anyone tell you any different.

Well, I will start back as far as I can remember, there are only a select few memories that I have, the rest seem to have been locked up and no matter how hard I try I cannot pull them forward. As far back as I have been able to track my depression I can say it started at the age of eleven. I don’t really remember too much of that time.

My mom had pulled me out of Middle School to home school me. She has always told me that it was because she thought it would be best for me. However, I truly believe that it is because my friends mom had done the same with him so my mom thought it would be great to pull me out of public school and home school me as well. My mom tends to do things others have done and copies them. At the time, the thought of home school sounded like a great idea, I got to be home all day, didn’t have to deal with other teachers and students, so why not? That turned out to be a great mistake; however I was able to turn it around before it got too bad.

I can remember, during the home schooling, my mom would give me the assignments to do, but she would usually take off for the day to do whatever it was she wanted to do that day. So, with her out of the house, I would quickly get the answer books, fill in the answers, making sure I had some wrong answers, and then sit in front of the computer, playing games until she got home, or watching television. I did learn things during that time but not the things I needed to, and by the second year of home schooling, I felt that I was falling behind, and I felt that if I didn’t go back to public school my education level would not be where it needed to be. So I made the decision to go back to public school, telling my mom, so that I didn’t hurt her feelings, that I wanted to go back to public school to be around kids my own age again and make some friends, all the while knowing that it was because she hadn’t done a very good job with making sure I was learning what I needed to.

I think that being home schooled may have kicked in the depression to a state that I could really feel it. During this time was the first time I had started to seclude myself. It was also during this time, just before I went into high school as a freshman, that I gave my first cry for help, not knowing what was wrong with me, only knowing that something was wrong. I can’t remember exactly what I felt at the beginning, but I know it was a somewhat hollow feeling I was experiencing.