How to Banish a Magician Haunting Your House from the Astral Plane

By Lucifera

Your new home

Some houses have been turned into Portals by nefarious Magicians, previous tenants who have practiced the Black Arte in order to achieve immortality on the Astral Plane. You take the house because it is full of sparkling light. You mistake this quality for a clean, spiritual environment, but once you move in, the nightmares start... They steal upon you at 3AM when you behold in your dream a disembodied head the size of an orange staring at you with malign intent. During the day, you experience phantom pains in your body, you hear, at the edge of sound, mumbling in various lost languages like Latin ("omnibus, omnibus, omnibus") or weird Enochian chants drifting on the wind. When you gaze into the mirror, you see a dark and brooding face reflected over your left shoulder -- then it is gone! At night you wake from a sound sleep with a heavy weight pressing down upon you, wolves circle your room, vines creep out of your bed and wrap around you, holding you down while the Magician drains your vital forces to keep himself alive forever in the sub lunar realm... What do you do?????

Instructions

Difficulty: Challenging Things You’ll Need:

• A laughing automaton
• A bottle of BANISH kitchen cleaner (or VANISH if that is all you can get)
• A collection of teddy bears, Liddle Kiddle art,(but not the kinky ones) anything pink and fluffy, heart shaped, or cheesy.
• Recordings by Abba, Doris Day or the Partridge Family. Soundtrack of the Sound of Music, et al.

Step 1
Magician
There is no one more full of vainglory than the Black Magician, no one more proud of his carefully cultivated Dark Side. Use this against him! As they say, if you want to be rid of the Devil, laugh at him, for the Devil cannot bear to be mocked. To that end, read hilarious books,(he will think you are laughing at him) watch reruns of the Brady Bunch, for he doth hate wholesomeness, or worse yet, American Idol, for he reviles cheesiness. To keep up a good riot of mirth in your absence, purchase a laughing automaton and set it on "constant chuckling".

Step 2
The Minions of Fluffiness
In keeping with his love of darkness, the Magician doth hate "fluffiness". He doth hate anything that, to him,reeks of sweetness and light, for he was deprived of love as a child and has grown resentful. To compensate, he seeketh wicked powers...Therefore, the color pink repels him. Paint your walls pink! Teddy bears, pictures of weddings and babies, heart shaped pillows, cuddly toys, baby-like voices, clothes with butterflies and bunnies stitched upon them -- in pink... These will send him into a spasm of impotent revulsion!
Step 3
Star of Protection
Wash floors and walls with vinegar and salt water, spray with Banish kitchen cleaner...affirm that all evil influences will be gone! Create a Circle of Protection in every room, especially the bedrooms and the bathrooms. To do so, sprinkle Holy Water (available in your nearest Catholic Church. In Ireland there is actually a spigot in the church wall that dispenses it.) around the house in a clockwise circle, praying all the while for protection. Imagine flaming stars in each of the four corners. Set your mind to seal your rooms off from the Astral Plane. Close the Portals so he may not enter!
Step 4
Even though Magicians hate Christianity, they are attracted by its symbols, for they are so much older than Christianity. The Grimmoirs and Books of Magic, stemming all the way back to Egypt and Chaldea, are filled with them. But, as we know, Magicians hate fluffiness and sweetness, so find the most fluffy, sweet, insipid pictures of angels and the saints you can stand and hang them about the house. Ring bells and and burn High John the Conquerer Root until the house is filled with it. Command the Black Magician to leave!

Tips & Warnings

St, Jude, Patron Saint of Desperate Causes

• If after all the above remedies your Magician is still bothering you, a painting on velvet of Saint Jude, Patron Saint of Hopeless Causes, hung above the bed should do the trick. Never let him scare you. He thriveth on fear!
• Do not cut yourself shaving! The scent and taste of blood will turn the Magician into a Vampire and he will much harder to send away! Do not give in to the intense emotions that may assail you from out of the blue -- especially irritation, anger, fear and lust. He feeds on these energies -- so when they come upon you -- get away from the house!