How to Identify a Dysfunctional Relationship

Relationships that do not emotionally support the participants are dysfunctional. Communication breaks down or is nonexistent making the relationships unhealthy. Dysfunctional relationships can affect friendships as well as families. Nearly everyone will have experienced a dysfunctional relationship at some point in their lifetime. It is not uncommon for someone involved in such a relationship to be unaware of the potential physical, psychological or emotional damage that can occur. Typical characteristics of dysfunctional relationships are addiction, abuse and control.

Addiction

Addiction, such as one to drugs or alcohol, can damage relationships. The individual with the dependency has the obvious problems associated with that particular addiction. Health and finances are often negatively impacted. Performance on the job or at school can suffer. Over time personality changes may occur as the individual continues the dependant lifestyle. Spouses, children, parents, siblings and friends may become codependent. Being codependent is an effort to change one’s self to accommodate the dependant person’s addiction. This usually follows a period of trying to get the addicted person to change or seek help. When that is unsuccessful, the codependent participant in the dysfunctional relationship modifies their own behavior. Some examples would be:

• To prevent drunk driving, alcohol is purchased and kept in the home by the non-alcoholic
• Rationalizing reasons for the addiction, such as “he had a terrible childhood”
• Making excuses for inappropriate behavior while under the influence
• Lying to family, friends or employers to conceal the affects of the addiction

Abuse

Living with actual or threatened physical abuse is clear sign of a dysfunctional relationship. When a spouse or parent uses physical violence to exercise control, the other members in the relationship experience a wide range of emotions. Some may feel fear – fear of worsening abuse, fear of abandonment or disapproval. Some may experience rage but feel powerless to prevent the abuse. Often the abused person cannot accept the idea that a loved one could behave in this way without provocation. Frequently they blame themselves as a way to justify, in their own minds, the abuse they have come to believe they deserve.

Control

Extreme control over another person is another sign of a dysfunctional relationship. Compliance with certain roles or expected behaviors without exception is a characteristic of this type of dysfunctional relationship.  Often the control stems from deep beliefs grounded in religious, political, financial or personal mores. Some examples could include:

• Needing to report one’s every move to the controlling entity
• Rules excessively strict so as to make compliance all but impossible
• Having to account for every minute or every penny or to defend every decision

Having emotional misgivings about a relationship can be signs that the relationship is dysfunctional. Feelings of inadequacy, being trapped, settling or being diminished within the relationship are other clues. Often dysfunctional relationships are described as emotional roller coasters. When things are good, they are very good. When they are bad, they are devastating. Recognizing the signs of a dysfunctional relationship is the first step to making healthy changes. Left unaddressed, the characteristics of the dysfunctional relationship worsen and become more difficult to break away from. The behaviors adopted in dysfunctional relationships are, tragically, passed on to any children, creating emotional scars and perhaps another generation of dysfunctional relationships.

Where to Find Help

Seeking counseling is an excellent option though not always financially or geographically accessible for everyone. Often churches and other religious institutions can sometimes provide counseling. There are many online sites that offer guidance such as The Salvation Army, where you can find assistance, often on a sliding scale based on income. Abuse counseling centers and shelters exist in many communities and can be located online to find the nearest one. Other sites assist with dysfunctional relationships by offering information and links to a variety of services. Some to check out are:

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Tina B. Tessina, PhD