Victim Mentality Part 1

Everybody gets to sit and cry; everybody gets to wonder why; everybody gets to feel some pain; everybody got some days that they can’t explain.”

That sure is an accurate way to describe the human condition isn’t it? Regardless of the level of intensity “everybody has the blues sometimes” and there’s really not a whole lot of choice in the matter. However, there is a choice that everybody does get to make: it’s whether or not we’re going to live as victims or live as victors over it.

I’ve tried to understand what goes into the victim mentality that seems to be so pervasive these days. And I’ve tried to understand what the Bible means when it says that we don’t have to be victims; that we can be “more than conquerors”.

Let’s remind ourselves the definition of the victim mentality.

A victim mentality is a persistent and prevailing mindset that says:

“I am what I am because of unjust treatment by an individual, group or system… and… I cannot rise above it. And therefore

I am not RESPONSIBLE for my actions. “I‘m the victim here.”

That’s a minor version of the victim mentality, and I think we can all identify with it.

In order to be healthy, I have always felt that you have to have the mind, body and spirit all healthy. Let’s explore how we can take one step towards health with eliminating the victim mentality we may be experiencing.

First I want to make a clear distinction between being treated as a victim and having a victim mentality. It’s not like the old horse and carriage, we can have one without the other. For abusers actually to feel victimized by the people they are hurting emotionally or even physically is a classic scenario. On the other hand, we may be genuinely victimized by someone and still not think or respond like a victim.

I was raised in a classic suburb home with both a mother and a father, and I had five siblings, (all girls). I was the third born. From a young age, I never wanted to take responsibility for things that didn’t go right in my life. I remember one incident in particular; one of my older sister’s friends had let me borrow one of the encyclopedia books in her collection. I had a report for school and since my parents didn’t own any encyclopedia’s I used one of Bonne’s.

After I had finished writing my report of school, I never returned the book to her. In the meantime, our house flooded after a bad storm and low and behold that encyclopedia was on the floor of my bedroom, and yes, you guessed it, my bedroom was flooded and the book was ruined. My mother told me I had to call Bonnie and tell her what happened. I was appalled. Why should I have to tell her about it, it wasn’t my fault?

Do you see how we can turn ourselves into the victim?

I finally did tell Dianne’s girlfriend Bonnie what happened to the book and she understood, and if I remember right I believe she wasn’t even too upset because this set of encyclopedias was her older set and she had a newer, updated set.

We all, at one time or another become the “victim”, but the question is, are we really the victim?

I remember feeling those emotions when the encyclopedia was ruined. I was angry and fearful of what Bonnie may say when I had to tell her.

When you judge an experience as unfair, or a tragedy, you automatically experience anger, emotional withdrawal, depression, fear or another of many painful emotions that accompany the perception of yourself or another as a victim.

Here is a question to ponder:

How much would you strengthen your self-esteem, happiness, and creative productivity if you were never in a “victim mind-set?”

Changing the Self in Self-Esteem

Everyone wants to enjoy a healthy level of self-esteem, but few seem to know how to achieve it.

Self-esteem is how we feel about ourselves, not how others feel about us. We trust ourselves; we believe in ourselves, we experience ourselves as worthy people. We believe we deserve to be happy.

The importance of building self-esteem is finally catching on. All successful people in our society now realize their egos are an asset. Top performers in athletics, business, or any other career are always convinced they can be heroes. And it shows.

Our response to all aspects of life is shaped by our self-concept and our self-esteem. It is the most powerful judgment we make about ourselves.

Self-esteem consists of our feelings about our personal competence, our ability to cope with life, our personal worth, our right to be happy, our right to stand up for ourselves, our interests, our needs, and our worthiness to live life and be productive members of society. It is the reputation we acquire with ourselves.

There’s nothing wrong with being proud of what we’ve done, of what we think we can do, or of whom we are and where we come from.

 The higher your self-esteem, the more you like yourself, the better you get along with others, and the more you accomplish.

Margaret Thatcher once said, “I wasn’t lucky, I deserve it.” The pride is necessary to improve our present situation

Just as individuals display behaviors typical of their personality style when they are experiencing positive self-esteem, they display a different personality style when they are experiencing low self-esteem. Low self-esteem is often the root cause of negative behaviors that lead to poor performance and low productivity.

So how do we go about building self-esteem?

Most people increase their self-esteem by Doing. They take action over and over again.

Then, when evaluating their self-image, they reference all their success instead of their failures (even though there are almost always more failures).

Look for new and significant challenges. Look to do more and open new horizons. Building self-esteem is the result of taking challenging actions and emphasizing your successes.

It’s the unusually difficult task that instills a sense of accomplishment and builds self-esteem. If the challenge is great enough, even failing can leave you with the positive feeling about yourself, as long as you gave it your best shot.

When I was married at nineteen and a half, I had low self-esteem. I married the first guy that I really “dated” since my parents did not let me date until I was sixteen. I thought that if I didn’t marry this guy, I would become a spinster. Why was my self-esteem so low?

I blamed everyone and everything in my life my low self-esteem. Believe it or not, it never got me anywhere. I felt like a puppy chasing its tail!

I know now that a low level of self-esteem is often at the heart of our emotional struggle. For many, many years I struggled with many emotional issues. I now realize that I brought almost all of those issues on myself. I went to many psychologists throughout those years and I now believe that a deeper understanding of oneself, a higher level of awareness, and new ways to live more meaningful, happier lives are possible through therapy.

Over the years, I’ve realized that a “victim mentality” is unhealthy, regardless of whether one is a victim of trauma, or unfortunate circumstances. This mentality leads to blaming others, which does not help us to emotional well-being. Through therapy I learned that we all need to be heard, understood, accepted, and validated.

A Change of Attitude

Always remember

YOU’RE POWER

You have the tremendous amount of power to:

*Ask for support

*Face your fears

*Be kind to yourself

*Forgive Yourself

*Be grateful for what you have

*Build healthy relationships

*Live in the moment

*Express your feelings

*Understand your blocks

*Control your thoughts

*Move beyond your pain

*Let go of resentment and anger

*Know yourself

*Create positive change

*Cultivate happiness

 I was tired of feeling like a victim and I knew the only way to change that feeling was to change my attitude. I was spending too much time feeling sorry for myself because of all the things I couldn’t do anymore. So, I made a conscience decision to focus on the things I could do. While I accepted I would no longer be able to do some of the physical activities I had enjoyed, I also realized that the core of whom I am had not changed. I am still the same caring, creative person I had always been. I still had something to offer my family and the world.

Taking Action

Next, I sat down with a pen and paper and seriously evaluated my priorities. Much to my surprise, most of what precious little energy I had was being expended on things that were not high on my priorities. I had gotten caught up in doing what I thought I had to or “should” do, while the things that were most important to me were being ignored or postponed.

It’s Up To YOU

Whether you are a victim or a victor is a matter of choice. You don’t have to be a victim. You can take control of your attitude, your actions, your healthcare, and your life. You can choose to be a victor.

CHANGE IS POSSIBLE

Change is inevitable, it is a process, and it is never a quick fix. Change requires time, effort, courage, awareness, openness, determination, persistence and faith.

Change comes with time and with the help of therapy-it is an unfolding, evolving, and goal-oriented approach to healing. It occurs when you work through your pain and discover your inner strength, leading you on a journey of self-growth and development.

Change in behavior, thought, emotion, perspective, and coping skills are the ultimate goal of therapy. Therapy is there to help you face your pain, allowing you to set some new and appropriate goals and creating awareness of the kinds of changes required to reach those goals.