Purgatory: Orange Menthol Cigarettes

Orange Menthol Cigarettes (Day 4)

yes, im buying them online. im almost done my carton, can you believe it?

i watch people all around me, childish highschool flirting, rubbing outside the shirt and pants, hiding away together, or doing it straight in the open, im not like that. my friend tried to set me up today, but thats not my thing either.

apparantly he was cute, but he was short, but.. i dont know.. i dont really remeber…they just arent attractive to me at all. its rediculous. 

petting and panting, flirting screaming giggling, im past all of that, i like the cuddling, the true curiosity at your wellbeing, the easyness, smoothness, i want it back. tomorrow may hold new suprises for me

i can only have faith in that little spoon and pray it catches my heart.

a pause, another cigarette. ive sat plenty of times and just tried to let the ash get all hte way to the bottom, or just taken inebreated pleasure in the way the smoke dances like a gossimer curtain. a stinky one. the smell gets to me. my car has like 2 odor eaters. 

it still means alot to me. im getting it permanently on my shoulder monday. i cant wait.

im going to get a new apartment soon, start new.

its strange i was going to talk about my feelings but the sense of loss is number now, maybe because im so tired, and im used to being alone, so my heart seems less sore.

i am holding onto those little shards of my heart for him and im both terrified and anxious, terrified he’ll rip the pieces from my hands and shatter them into the floor, marking his own pattern in the mess, anxious for him scoop them from my hands and put them back together, love me, fix me. he broke it but hes the only one who can fix it.