Five Ways to Convince Your Childless Friends They Should Have Kids

Childless people – why are they so irritating?  It's funny, because their very existence should be a boon – candidates for godparenthood, babysitting volunteers, colleagues who can pick up the slack when your kid runs a fever or has a crucial sports game coming up.

And yet they can just drive you crazy!  There's something about their smug expressions as they describe holidays spent whitewater rafting, or weekends out clubbing and 'caning it', that seems to make it limitlessly clear just how boring, how worn down, how child-laden they consider you.

Not to mention the expressions on their faces whenever you might mention little Joey's academic awards or little Joanna's horse-riding rosettes.  You know, the slightly glazed look of exaggerated patience.  That's the sign that they're not listening to a word you're saying.

When it comes right down to it, childless people are just downright annoying.  For the sake of the rest of the population, they have to be converted and made to see the error of their ways.  That is why I have come up with a list of five tips you can use to convince them that they, too, should have children.  These are your tools, go out and use them!

1 Who else is going to pay the taxes to keep us all in state benefits in old age?

Someone has to do it!  The more breeding we all do now, the less likely we are to be eating canned hotdogs and ramen noodles on a street corner at eighty.  This is serious!  Thinktanks and quangos keep coming out with statistics and saying there just aren't going to be enough taxpayers to keep public services going.  Not the way we've funded them for the generation prior to us, at least.  The purest self-interest should be enough to rationally convince them that it's time to start playing mummies and daddies.

2 Remind them continually – not having children is selfish, and the reason people don't have children is because they're selfish.  (I'm not quite sure how this actually works: are there thousands of little cherubs waiting in heaven to be born, and every person who decides not to breed is denying them the chance of incarnation?  Still, don't worry about that: just keep telling them how selfish they are.  And run away when they start telling you how they're saving the environment by not producing another consumer and despoiler of the planet.  Don't confuse youself!)

3 You just can't get the staff!
To convince your childless friends that they should produce a brood of little ones, point out to them some of the advantages.  Household cleaning services are very pricey to shell out for, certainly for a really professional service.  How much better to get your own flesh and blood trained up in all the finer points of lawn care, cooking, baking and general household drudgery, for only a nominal weekly allowance!  (And no pesky minimum wage requirements either).  Plus, this will instil the entrepreneurial spirit, ensuring they become wealthy businesspeople capable of supporting their elderly parents in fabulous style.  (Whether they actually will or not is, however, a moot point).

4 Tell them about all the joy having children of your own can give you. Oops, did I leave this one until number 4 on the list?  How did I manage that?  Anyhow, it's very very important.  Remind them of continually, and don't forget to take all your baby pictures and albums in to show to them on a regular basis too.  Whether they like it or not!  Remember, babies are super-cute.  (But ease off on descriptions of diaper-changing and teething tantrums).

And don't forget point no. 5, the most important one of all. WHY SHOULD THEY GET AWAY WITH IT! Now, how you express this point is crucial – it may indeed require some tactful re-wording.  But I'm sure that no rational childless person will fail to respond to the powerful argument that it's simply not fair.  Why should some of us be burdened, er, blessed, with offspring, while others get off scot-free – er, miss out on all the wondrous joys that having children can bring.

Now, you who are heavy-burdened with kids – go out and spread the word.  Recruit a few for the right side – you know it makes sense!

Copyright Ollie Hicks, 2009.